in the pool...

i have a dr's appt tomorrow at 3pm...i had to make this one because my meds were out and the dr only allowed me a 10pill refill until i made an appointment. seeing as though i will have her ear and attention i though it best to use it wisely. i will tell myself here what i will tell her there (forthemostpart).

The lexapro is no longer working for me, i think. And when i go without them because there are none left and i do not have the money for a refill i get worried. if i go for a few days i am okay but on that third day i start to feel odd and i know how it will go so i drink to get me through the days until i have my pills again. then i start feeling lopsided and wonky. i am not steady on my feet. life seems fuzzy, my brain...i cannot focus and i become short with people and try my best to not be around them. this is even in the morning or on days i do not drink. i feel as though i have little or no energy and also i feel anxiety upon having to get out of bed in the mornings as well as during the day...and when i feel anxiety during the day i go into my room and lay down on my bed and play sudoku on my phone over and over for an hour or so. sometimes i then fall asleep until the next morning or i will go back into the frontroom and go on my computer for a few hours also watching tv. i often feel listless and sad about money, relationship stuff...lack of a job..but i really feel immobile as to what to do about it. i feel as though i have no happiness in my day so i sleep to avoid it. small things make me overly sad but also big things really do not affect me like they should. i feel numb often to things in my life and the world in general. i seem to have the ability to turn off feelings easily. but i cannot turn on anything other than apathy.
     from what i remember about the arc of my history with lexapro is that in the beginning it felt like a godsend..i had so much energy and i was up and doing things about the house. i was writing more and reading more, going out more. and then it waned...i believe my dosage was doubled and that helped for a bit...and then the waning...tried wellbutrin for a short spell and that scared me because it felt too speedy...then back on the lexapro...tried a nutritional class for a few days/..that was nice but nothing i stuck to. talked about seeing a psychiatrist..then i became unemployed....then i became single.... then my aunt died and i saw my momma take care of a lot of the arrangements and it became a big emotional drain for her..and seeing her like that made me feel more manic but still..it did not drive me to do anything about it really. i feel something is holding me back, like i am stuck.
     i feel as though lexapro made me, emotionally, what i am today...i no longer sit on the edge of my bed at 4 in the morning staring at my bookcases....but i do lay in bed, sleepless until 5am or so playing sudoku. i need a lifestyle change of course we both know that. but i also need a meds change. i also wanted to know if you think i am healthy enough to go on a juice fast for 30 days.