wed may 6 2015 9:14 pm - back on the meds

i took a lexapro pill...and goddamned IMMEDIATELY i felt a flush ...a tingle...an energy.....i need to put this down here because i will not remember...my vision is clearing....it has been off and kinda fuzzy for a long time now...

11:02 pm and i have so much energy, i believe this has happened the several times before i went off then on my meds.......

i really needed to start again because i was in a cycle of shit and nothing....headed towards darker places.....being horrible to my body and mean to those around me........sequestering myself to the couch where i slept about 15 hours a day.......and then drink the rest of the time.....

my head has been swimming since i stopped the meds.....now my body is tingling....it feels like an all around tickle...

one month no lexapro

to document,

i am still unemployed, up until yesterday i drank everyday, sometimes days and mostly evenings through the morning. i ran out of my lexapro a few days ago and i find myself worrying again. it is stupid to stop the meds cold turkey but i cannot afford them again.....i want to stop drinking because i believe that the sads that will inevitably come from stopping my meds will be intensified by the drinking and the last time i did this it was not good. the doctor wants me to come in before she reups my meds....and this will cost around $100 since i do not have a job i do not have insurance. i nap all day still and drink all night. i drink my feelings and giveashitaway and am in no way happy or proud of this. i don't feel lonely much anymore because i don't feel much anymore. i just went to thee grocery store and listened to some music an watched some teevee and i feel a bit better...oh..had a cup of coffee at 10pm......

friday march 20 2015 i had my last drink
thursday march 19 2015 i had my last lexapro

thursday march 26 is the kweli concert w josh
thursday april 9th is kimya at the smell
friday april 10th is tristian's bday
sat april 11 mos def oobservatory....? 30bux.....
tuesday april 14 unk's bday dinner...
wednesday april 15th is the squarepusher show
thursday the 16th is the swans show
friday th 17th is the amt show in la /
saturday the 18th is laura's bday
saturday the 18th is beer at the head
sunday the 19th is my birthday
monday the 20th is maybe beer at deli w laura
wednesday the 22nd is linda's bday
wed the 22 is also red river
thurs the 23 hang w mg
sat 25 malkowski / josh
sunday 26th - gold rush
monday the 27th is keith's bday
april 28th jen's bday
april 29 lawrence of arabia
saturday may 9th is holly's bday
sat may 9th kathie bday pm
sunday may 10th is mother's day
 friday may 15 is lauren and jason wedding be there at 5:30
tues may 19th is ryan's bday

if i keep myself busy and awake i will not be sad.....right?...we will see....

IT IS 10:27 AM and i did not sleep last night....was too awake...i worried about things and masturbated twice.....i stared at the darkness doing nothing...i pet the dog who wandered in to nap on my lap from time to time.....and now i can feel my body feeling tired, yawning...

one month no lexapro

is this really about the lack of lexapro in my life or the lack of life in my life?..does one cause the other?...does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body, i dunno...../smiths.

my birthday was a few days ago and...this whole month i seemed to be doing happy things with happy friends and it continues,...and it has helped a lot...just being out of the house whether with friends or with momma....or by myself....this fucking house.....but yeah....me....there is still a lot of beer involved in my days....

i nap..i jack off...i stare at things...still...i am stuck still...but not as goddamned sad....but nowhere near happy...i think i need the touch of another human .....the affirmation of having worthwhile or maybe god forbid even desirable flesh.........let alone the "fast st's" i could use...my grandfather used to call them......fast sweet things.....things that everybody needs....his favorites were "you are the best fisherman" and "you give the best whisker rubs"......

22 days without lexapro....

i always begin these posts with a huge sigh...... last week were the worst days of dizziness and sleeping....but now my bday is coming up and i am getting to hang out with my momma a lot and oh that makes it better...for a part....in the middle of a day out eating tacos and beer i stare into a void and fix there for too long...and my chest hurts....and all the goodness that was raised by being outside of the house and hanging out w momma disappears...and then i try an focus back on the converstion w momma but it is lost and i have nothing but small smiles, uh huhs and deep sighs....and oh...i am ruining a good day...but i am trying....and often enough trying is not enough...i am drinking again.....i went last night without and that was nice waking up not immediately feeling at a loss.....

often enough when i am out i have an immediate desire to be home in my room with the lights out....i cope by having a beer or so..otherwise it becomes unbearable.... and it is random as fuck...and it makes me feel sorry for the person who happens to be out with me.....

one of the worst things about this depression is passing judgement on other people and having such a negative view towards everything.....finding so many things that annoy me....and for the most part....the things that annoy me about anyone else are things i do myself....the hypocrisy is thick.....my respite is either napping or drinking....the moments of goodness are fleeting...there is zero joy....it all feels unnatural......smiling because you do not want the person who is with you to be sad or worrisome...

ugh.......leaving lexapro..day whatever the fuck.....

thursday march 19th is when i had my last 20 mg lexapro. sixteen days. cold turkey. i started taking the lexapro in 2002 at age 31. so it has been about 13 years.

 i only tried to stop once a year ago i think...and it was not good...bad dreams, light headedness, imbalance, etc...not sure how long it lasted....maybe 2 weeks?..then and now i stopped because i ran out of meds and the doctor wanted me to come in before she reupped me and i did not have the $100 or so for an office visit.

i have been unemployed for almost 4 years, ran out of unemployment funds about 2 years ago. the last time i tried to quit my ex dumped me in the garage of the dr's office on the phone. so that was a short lived secession.

i go through odd bouts of drinking...from every day to just the weekends to a monthlong break...etc...mostly beer and sometimes bourbon...i tell myself i drink to get rid of the symptoms of living day to day while on lexapro.....then i tell myself i am not giving the meds their proper due..and i try weeks with no drinking...and then eventually return. i have a shitty relationship with alcohol.

i read recently that neuralgia is a symptom of lexapro withdrawal....and i have had these tingle burning feelings in my feet for years now...of course it could also be because i am fat and eat incorrectly. so here i am trying my best to do things to make me happy to keep my head up..listening to music helps a lot. petting the kitties and doggies does too. reading and writing also..but only when i have a clear head...which has not happened in quite a while...

so the last few weeks....listless drifting, light headedness to the point of almost falling down....real shitty realistic dream...sleeping a lot....more than usual. i go to bed usually around 4am and wake up around 3pm. an hour later i nap until around 7pm.....then it begins again...

what i have been reading about going cold turkey off lexapro is scary. the longer you have been taking it the longer it will take to wean and also the harder the symptoms. the higher the mg also the worse the symptoms......a rule of thumb i found was for every year you have taken it it will take 3 months to wean off

so given the length of my lexapro indulgence it will take 3 years and and 75 days of withdrawal. oh no. or i could pull money out of the sky or out of my ass and try to go back on it and be some fucked up minds zombie slave to the meds my entire life.

this is also the worse time to go off of it..unemployed, overweight, not getting laid (real shitty self esteem), alcoholism, penniless.....trying to kick it scares the shit out of me.......and will for 3 goddamned years plus.

3;51 am tuesday march 31 2015 fell off the wagon

i felt right to drink tonight....i have had a 40 of steel reserve and a double shot of early times or some other shit bourbon...and started a tall can.....i am getting tired but for some reason i think if i am gonn drink after being sober for eight or so days i should do it up!...but....for what?..to be drunk all by myself?...i am good company but i even get bored of me sometimes...my head is not swimming like it has been...it certainly is not focused.....will this fall from the wagon last long?...i have about 6 tall cans left........i did some painting tonight.....i cnnot say i have much to look forward to....maybe the swans concert....maybe on my birthday someone will fuck me......

Saturday March 28 2005 - no lexapro no booze day seven...

i am still breathing....

the last few days i have fleeting moments of light headedness and then several times the sort of light headedness where i have to lean against something and feel like i may fall down...i still sleep a lot....my feet do not burn like they used to...but i feel so......calm....except when i go out .....went to a concert night before last.....immortal technique and talib kweli....on the way to pick up my friend my head was all over the place...the venue was very packed and walking through crowds to get to the back patio was unnerving...it took a while for me to calm down....

and i am not sure if this is part of it all but my vision is blurry in the morning and sometimes throughout the day...it takes a while for it to get right.....and my head is often swimming...cannot focus....i am wondering if being on lexapro for so many years and then trying to quit...causes these unhealthy things to happen.....the pills made you rely on them and then they when you try to quit it makes you discombobulated ..........

in the past decade or so of me taking the anti depression pills i have gone off them several times and it was usually horrible....i would start drinking heavily to counter the effects of no longer having those good levels of serotonin........and that would be useless.....but it numbed the sadness for the most part....it made the dizziness seem like just another side effect of the booze.....

i hear things....odd noises and sometimes a voice or two...a constant hum of electronics or the freeway...i have desires that the lexapro used to smother.....on the pills i would jack off maybe once every 2 weeks....now my libido has returned with a quiet vengeance...i jack off about 5 times a day if not more.

still dizzy at times....mind cannot focus hardly ever....this will take time.....