fathers day, father's day

i am not a father and i do not have a father, the only part of this that bothers me tonight is the former...

my girlfriend has two children and has made it clear now that she does not want any more. this is not how the relationship started....we talked about alternative measures (her tubes, tied)....she sounded open to them..even discussed them with her doctor...but as the relationship progressed or rather...regressed..(arguments, disdain) she changed her mind.

for the past two years in our relationship i have been the dominant firm voice of discipline for the kids when we were all together...early on she admitted she had never been firm enough with them...though now she does just fine...they come over to the house, play...we go out to eat, go to the park, bookstores..trips to san diego and colorado, solvang.....i care for them, babysit often enough to give her girl time or when she needs to relax...i read to them, go to their birthday parties, get them gifts when i am thinking of them....

their father lives in another state and had not seen them for three years until he started the past 2 years flying out to visit...three times thus far...he send gifts on birthdays, calls, she lets them call him when the want arises.....he cares for them and i know this because i have known him for many years now off and on, went to junior college with him....the things is that about 5 years ago and before he was unfaithful several times and she forgave him the one time and then he asked her to be in a plural relationship (conversion to the muslim faith on his part) and she divorced him, moved back to the city i live in to live once again with her parents.....

and yesterday being father's day she told me that the kids called him....which of course makes sense...she and he seem to be on great terms speaking whenever the need arises.....and she seems to have just about zero animosity towards him...how..i do not know......

and here i am upset, i wonder if i am allowed to be upset..or rather...does it make any sense for me to be this way..not that feelings always need to be rational but..i just want to know...

i am upset because, well..how do i put this?....because the kids didn't call me or she didn't bring them over or.....? do i have any sort of right to be upset?.......it would have been kind of her to have them call me to say hi or drop by...i know i am not the father....i know this...i just want some recognition...sure their smiles and hugs are most wonderful and make me feel warm....but.......this faraway guy who got her pregnant twice and cheated on her, helped raise the one kid for 3 or so years and the other for several months until he caused the divorce.....this guy gets the call..this guy gets to be the good guy......this guy who sends no child support whatsoever..he gets the love......

now i know kids need to be happy..and i do not begrudge them their father's love......the less they know the happier they are at this point in their life i suppose....i just feel a bit (a lot) lost on the subject...

she knows that i have always wanted a child, it is something i have talked about for as long as i have known her (since junior high)....and i still do......now the problem is that...is my need and want for a child a relationship breaker?......the shitty thing is that in the beginning of this relationship i actually believed that she wanted to try and have kids with me..because she said so.....and then when things went along..i dunno..she changed her mind...i feel as though things were said in the beginning of us that helped me fall in love with her..a woman that wants to have your baby?..heck yes!......and then you fall in love and then...she changes her mind.....it seems and feels like an awful dirty trick........

and here i am 1:02 am, the day after father's day..........wanting...

you can find me if you want me in the garden unless its pouring down with rain..... (what song is that from?)

so i am uplate..the boy i watch is sleeping...and i got restless fingers....i am thinking of beer....good beer....i am also thinking of money.....beer on the brain...

tomorrow i will drink an avery thirteenth anniversary...and i will love stinky earthness....tomorrow i will also do laundry....start another book maybe...

i am at work now, zac is watching tv..it is about 11pm...i got a call from a boss an hour ago asking me to drop by this other client's place at 8:30...he is in a wheelchair with cp, cannot move his legs, arms can move minimally...he is a heavy guy....i will go there in the morning, get him from his bed into a bathroom chair then into his motorized chair...he likes to talk and he is a nice one though not too many of my coworkers seem to get along with him...his wife can get ornery and put her nose everywhere...also he does not put up with any guff and i don't blame him...sometimes lifting his slippery wet body after a shower i think i may drop him but i never have...and i never will...i am careful and i have done this many times before with many others...this is usually a two person lift job but for some reason my company does not take that into consideration...some times he shits his pants and it gets all over and stinks so much i gag...i try my best not to let it show because a lot of my job is helping the client retain their dignity...and that is an important part because often people with disabilities cannot do what they once could and this causes them embarrassment to have to depend upon someone else, a stranger really in intimate (bathroom) situations...

i seem to always leave his house in a good mood, a bit sweaty from the heavy lifting but happy, alive. and then tomorrow i will go over to diana's house for a bbq they are having for a few birthdays.

so..things seem to be getting better with her and i, one just never knows for sure it seems until shit happens...and i cannot wait my whole life just waiting for shit to happen..for a shoe to drop....that can be exhausting so i think i need to change the way i think of things....the other choice i have is to end it because i never know if it is going to work out..and that is a lonely choice..i could see that as a viable choice if she shit on me all the time.....it seems that when i am not happy with me i am also not happy with her....or the world in general...this is not to excuse anything careless or mean she has done to me...this is just to say that who you are emotionally at a particular time can color your whole world....if you shit on yourself then chances are everything around you will also be covered in shit...and oftentimes i feel as though my life is covered in shit. i just don't want to get any on her. she is one of the least shitty things about my life right now. a month ago and before that she was a big turd....but now things are different.....for now....

so how do we make decisions and why do we feel the need to write it down?..and why do we ask others advice?.....some of us keep it to ourself always and some of us get ulcers and kill ourselves..but that is not me..some of us babble nonstop incessantly airing our laundry always everywhere and that is also not me...i am somewhere in between..and i do not know if i need to fix it or not......can i or should i handle my problems by myself keeping it solely to the parties involved?..should i confide in a select few or one...? do i even heed advice?..should i?....should things be as black and white as "dump her or don't"?......

i know that i want good life and i know that i want good love and i know that i am there, my ears and head are there for my friends when they need to tell me about things on their mind......

so we confide in friends for many reasons..sometimes just to bitch, sometimes just to kill the boredom. i had been for a long time now telling the problems i have with my girlfriend to a friend, let's call him gus. and he gives me good advice and knows sometimes i am just talking to get it out of me...but the other day i went drinking with him and andy and candice and mg at hollingsheads.....and i think i brought her up, telling an anecdote..and gus was right up my ass about her, about me not getting laid etc....and this was in front of the whole group and of course i laughed it off....but it has bothered me since...and i am not sure to do with this lump of shit in my hand......when you tell a friend things about your personal life....you do not expect them to be thrown back at you in anger in front of a group of people....even if they are friends..it is as if you are being belittled by those you love surrounded by those you love and it kind of paralyzed me...

and yes i am sure it will pass, he will forget about it and i wont, i will just have to be smarter and confide less i suppose...if i do not want thing thrown back at me in that manner then the best thing to do rather than to trust someone not to is to never tell them in the first place...this of course compromises a friendship..one that you hope you could confide anything to..but there is the rub.....and so on ad nauseum...

on a better note, i am babysitting for my girlfriend, her and my mom are at the goddamned sugar fairy snow baby laura ashley plum festival.....chicken run is on, i have just finished my starbucks and the window is letting cold air into me....

life could be better, and then life could be worse...

sometimes we need to keep things to ourselves...but how do we do that when we are not that sort, when we need dialogue to survive?

i fucking got no dukes....

i feel like the wind has been out of me for about a week....could be leftover phlegmism from my cold..could be that i have been off my happy meds for a spell.....i do this foolishly from time to time....when i run out..i am poor and i just deal with it until i am no longer poor.....the downside of course is feeling ungrounded and sometimes treating people prickishly..but i do my best to not be around people when i am like this...

the gf and i are i guess a couple....we had that lame ass breakup thing  month ago...for i dunno...a week and a half and then she just insisted that she was going to keep us together....and i, for lack of nothing better to do, just went along with it....of course i do not want to be alone but i feel like nothing was accomplished or nothing was dealt with or settled during our breakup to cause us to be a couple again....so....i fell like i am just along for the ride....its not so bad really..she seems to be treating me better...i just have zero idea now what the future holds...it is not at all like before the breakup...i mean long before...before things started to get retarded....back then i had ideas of marriage and kids and beer cellars and bookcases and a huge space for her and i and her kids....."us"..and i believed in magic..believed in love songs...

and we had troubles, she told me hers and i made efforts but just then she stopped caring, told me a few unkind words...started taking things we had previously talked about and changing them by degrees....so.."we can try to have kids" changed to "i'm not sure i can handle having kids again" to "i do not want to have any more kids" and another one - from "you will have to put a ring on it before we move in together" and "we could live with your momma until we can afford our own place" to "i don't think i can handle living in that house" .....and then i was the one to make the break...i was done feeling insufficient...i felt like a bad ATM transaction "insufficient dukes"....and then she put it into her head that she was going to make sure that she got what she wanted and she wanted to stay together....and hell..is it my fault for feeling flabbergasted?...for not arguing and telling her "umm..we broke up for a reason and that reason really has not been addressed"?....in fact i think i did tell her that and i am pretty sure she just glossed right over it and continued on with what she wanted out of life....

should i feel flattered that i am what she wants?....life is very long when you're lonely (thank you morrissey) but i am guessing that life is also very long when you are not certain about the one you are with and are just biding your time..waiting to see just what the fuck she is going to do next...because it all seems to be up to her until i finally decide to dust my broom......