fathers day, father's day

i am not a father and i do not have a father, the only part of this that bothers me tonight is the former...

my girlfriend has two children and has made it clear now that she does not want any more. this is not how the relationship started....we talked about alternative measures (her tubes, tied)....she sounded open to them..even discussed them with her doctor...but as the relationship progressed or rather...regressed..(arguments, disdain) she changed her mind.

for the past two years in our relationship i have been the dominant firm voice of discipline for the kids when we were all together...early on she admitted she had never been firm enough with them...though now she does just fine...they come over to the house, play...we go out to eat, go to the park, bookstores..trips to san diego and colorado, solvang.....i care for them, babysit often enough to give her girl time or when she needs to relax...i read to them, go to their birthday parties, get them gifts when i am thinking of them....

their father lives in another state and had not seen them for three years until he started the past 2 years flying out to visit...three times thus far...he send gifts on birthdays, calls, she lets them call him when the want arises.....he cares for them and i know this because i have known him for many years now off and on, went to junior college with him....the things is that about 5 years ago and before he was unfaithful several times and she forgave him the one time and then he asked her to be in a plural relationship (conversion to the muslim faith on his part) and she divorced him, moved back to the city i live in to live once again with her parents.....

and yesterday being father's day she told me that the kids called him....which of course makes sense...she and he seem to be on great terms speaking whenever the need arises.....and she seems to have just about zero animosity towards him...how..i do not know......

and here i am upset, i wonder if i am allowed to be upset..or rather...does it make any sense for me to be this way..not that feelings always need to be rational but..i just want to know...

i am upset because, well..how do i put this?....because the kids didn't call me or she didn't bring them over or.....? do i have any sort of right to be upset?.......it would have been kind of her to have them call me to say hi or drop by...i know i am not the father....i know this...i just want some recognition...sure their smiles and hugs are most wonderful and make me feel warm....but.......this faraway guy who got her pregnant twice and cheated on her, helped raise the one kid for 3 or so years and the other for several months until he caused the divorce.....this guy gets the call..this guy gets to be the good guy......this guy who sends no child support whatsoever..he gets the love......

now i know kids need to be happy..and i do not begrudge them their father's love......the less they know the happier they are at this point in their life i suppose....i just feel a bit (a lot) lost on the subject...

she knows that i have always wanted a child, it is something i have talked about for as long as i have known her (since junior high)....and i still do......now the problem is that...is my need and want for a child a relationship breaker?......the shitty thing is that in the beginning of this relationship i actually believed that she wanted to try and have kids with me..because she said so.....and then when things went along..i dunno..she changed her mind...i feel as though things were said in the beginning of us that helped me fall in love with her..a woman that wants to have your baby?..heck yes!......and then you fall in love and then...she changes her mind.....it seems and feels like an awful dirty trick........

and here i am 1:02 am, the day after father's day..........wanting...