yesterday and the day before i was just so goddamned sad off and on...

i drank both days which may have something to do with it...and also....i have not seen the woman for 15 days now..and we haven't had the sex for 5 weeks now....she either has an excuse or simply doesn't call to come over...and this makes me sad......she called today and we talked....i was dying inside...furious that she had a normal conversation with me knowing how long we had been apart and not saying anything about it...she asked how i was..how was my day etc....and i told her i was sad because of us....and....nothing...she knows so very well why i am sad.....and i have told her so many times what upset me.......she pays me no attention...does not make me feel desired...and she tells me the same thing....she is so busy with her kids and work..she does seem to be running herself ragged...but......i dunno......i tell her all it takes is to text me every once in a while sweet things.......even when you are busy i am sure one could take the minute it takes to send a text.....and help me feel needed..... and for christ's sake....to go for more than a month without fucking your man?....

and i could see if you did this once in a while ...i am sure there are marriages where it happens...desires ebb and wax....but her and i are not married.....and this has been happening for a year now.....for a whole year, save a few months when we fucked 2 or 3 times.........we have done it once a month and that is it..and no making out, oral apart from that once........

now she accuses me of making it all about sex....and i tell her if you take sex completely away then it automatically becomes about sex......

and it is not only about sex.......i am sad because i am losing someone and something that used to make me feel good, that used to be good...and it hasn't been good for any length of time for more than a year now

and i am sad because it is going to end, i just don't want to end it during the holidays.....that would be wrong....i am sad enough for now......

it just baffles me that the rare times we talk she seems just fine....as though nothing to her is wrong....it seems as though her method of dealing with me is to let me talk and then just let it go......nothing changes....she lives her life.....texts me good morning, calls maybe a few times a week and beyond that.....nothing......

this is how sadness begins........i am stuck in a circle of meh......and the only way to get out is to get out...

i've been out walking and
i don't do too much talking these days

looking at my earlier posts one would think i was dissatisfied with my current relationship and my life.

i am sitting on the floor at work, zach is in the bathroom brushing his teeth. he is gonna go to bed in maybe an hour or less. he is watching a disney video and i am watching family guy.

i have been thinking about going on a trip soon. i know i am going with diana to sf in january and in april i am visiting ethan in portland......but i am itching for a hotel somewhere far enough away that has a bar near and air conditioning...

sometimes when people are unsure about their future they feel exhilaration about having the whole world open to them...of having no restrictions on their life........and me.....i feel it in a sad way....my stomach hurts when i think about my future.....i get sad because i just don't know what will happen..i wish it were more certain..part of me wishes diana would somehow magically comfort me in the knowledge that we will in fact work out together...i want her to take charge that way...i am  not a man who minds too much being told what to do...

i want a woman who will treat me nicely......let me have a nice beer cellar....leave me alone sometimes and make me feel desired....