Friday September 07, 2012

 

 

a bomb upon the ceiling, she said...your disdain in my mouth i said. we were never a satisfied equation. i was the bomb, i was not an improving thing. she was a disproving thing. the ceiling is still the same sad place, above all of us. i no longer want to be saved, done with wanting. i will gamble with what comes to breathe the same hello as me, as i. i have been on paynomind for so long. i no longer try. i got the message. i don't want to reconfigure my path just to arrive at the same plane of frustration. i am not waiting for you. silly enough: i am waiting for me. i flower. don't think that i do not. i am not brave nor waving banners, no manifesto here. certainly no womanifesto. where i laid my head once is no longer available, my comfort is atomised. i hide my giveashit behind disobriety. my arms no longer hold anything worthwhile, my hands are dumb with ghosted breasts, mocking blindly curves that they used to understand as kind. i wanted to be somebody's honey and now i am my own vinegar. i will unsimply relearn again what it is to be single. i need to change from the wastrel i am now into something other. maybe what i was before i met you. maybe i need to change what i wanted to be. maybe i will start becoming again. i have this itching feeling that life should be about meeting goals, about being kinda happy. i cannot remember the last time i had a genuine smile on my face for more than fifteen minutes. it used to be i was happiest when i forgot my ex but now i am happiest when i forget me. you seemed to be a pathway away from what ailed me. for a while you were just that. then you became what ailed me. i spend my time in the pool drinking and listening to billie holiday, sometimes crying. i should just get over it, yeah i should. i foolishly stayed in the bowling league to keep us proximitous but i know now that was silly. no amount of you seeing me is going to change what was wrong between us. no leap on your part nor miracle on mine will make things kosher, palatable, forgiven. my god the vinegar i still have in me towards you. in the songs the lover usually comes back. it doesn't mention the irreconcilable things. the broken trust, the nights since parting weeping your aches out, the lowest esteem. i will stuff it all down with more disdain and bourbon and bad beer and sad songs. my triggers these days are many and close together. you never told me the disequation that finally ended us, never told me the small paragraph of what went wrong. though it was better left unsaid, i wanted a rosetta stone for out demise, i wanted to not be dumb numbed on a random friday at 5:37 pm in my swimming pool. my tears will be chlorinated. i may have the cleanest asshole in the world but my head is nowhere near being right. i am tangled up in blues. i am concentrated regret. this will be the saddest thing i will write. i simply cannot keep up this level of oh no. it affects the dogs when i sleep in late, it affects the cats when i hardly pet them any more. and my friends seem to be becoming more few, further between. i don't demand nor command them to be there for me but fuck it would be nice if they were around to notice, to comfort with beer and stupid jokes. this shows me that i need to rely more on myself, but that sounds like such a godawful far away thing. something i cannot now comprehend. what good has come from ever knowing you? i am not being annihilation man here, i am just trying to figure out the capacity of the heart to regrow after an attack. whether to bother to try again or whether to follow the tombstone words of bukowski. if i were to be good with the words then maybe i would care not one fuck about being good with the womens. my words were what used to sustain me, but not for along time. in the pouring rain in a yogurt shop across from city lights you fell asleep on me.

Wednesday January 09, 2013

 

 

i have been single for about 9 months now. stayed in vegas a few days with her for the bowling tournament. broke down and told her i still had feelings for her. that didn't go anywhere. when we got back we hardly spoke. she came over once when i had a bbq for my visiting good friend mark. then that was it...she did not call or text.....i was the one to text first.....which was something i did not like about the relationship..i was always the one to initiate.... and here i am still bothered by all of this. i texted her christmas greetings...and she texted back.....
i never know what is going on in her mind. i never really new. and now that an almost year has passed..i am still the same person she dumped. i would still be cause for termination...and she....well...i bet the same faults would be there too. so why am i pining?....oh why am i ?....because...i miss the bitch...i miss the good times..not so much the hurt.....and i do have dreams of long lasting...just not real valid smart ones....love at first sight may be poetic and all but if one of those is an unemployed fat alcoholic who lives with his mother....then chances are things will be difficult to work out....i shouldn't try to visit myself upon anyone the way i am right now. and she..well.....her kids are her life and i just did not seem to fit in at all. i am a low life. i do not mind not flushing the toilet for a few days..i do not mind smelling....i like staying up late drinking...i do not mind not washing after an orgasm. i want the spontaneous fuck. i want head when i want it. i want to not feel guilty about doing the occasional drug....i want to adore and help and love without having to try so goddamned much..without bullshit..what exactly did she want of me that she did not want in the beginning of us?..........am i pining because i was dumped?......my natural response was to act blase then to save me from hurt......but then of course i drank my sads away...maybe i wanted/want her to save me. we had tender times....but i also felt as sad as fuck sitting right next to her.
and what would i do with her if she came back? ruin it again, be sad again...
when does one let go?..when does one fight for love like a goddamned teenaged smiths fan?...is there a numerical age?.....am i single for good now?...should i bother trying again..or just let it go?....she needs her a man with a good job and a stable life to be there for her and the kids...i am not that man.........she needs a man who she doesn't have to give too much attention to. i am not that man. the sex was good...best i had...but i feel i had to play games to get it.....
we were good friends in high school.....lost track after jc....then came together for 4 years.....and now...just about strangers..we would be strangers if i did not initiate contact....i really don't want to be friend friends again..sitting in coffeehouses with her looking at her....talking about life........i want to be her lover again.....don't grown up grown ups have sex and deal with it....i could be her friend if she was fucking me......otherwise i would just weep when we hung out...
i gave up the possibility of having a kid of my own for her.....i would love to have been a father to jaiden and tristian...but not like she was treating me...and now i have regret. this big lump of regret in my hand, this big lump of sad in my throat...and i get it from time to time..mostly by listening to sad songs.......joni mitchell...a letter to elise from the cure......and i know she has a heart....the last time i broke up with her she cried and told me some story about dreaming about reindeer or unicorns or some shit and how it meant we were destined.....and then the palm reader story....how i fit the description told to her by the palm reader of who she would end up with...i am not one to prove a palm reader wrong but...here i am and there (wherever) is her. i never felt as though she really believed in me beyond the good times...she never was a talker..never explained the intricacies of her to me.
and here i am with empty hands and she is asleep with empty hands and i think she is just fine with that. i wouldn't know otherwise because she doesn't pay any attention to me.