Wednesday January 09, 2013 
i have been single for about 9 months now. stayed in vegas a
few days with her for the bowling tournament. broke down and told her i
still had feelings for her. that didn't go anywhere. when we got back we
hardly spoke. she came over once when i had a bbq for my visiting good
friend mark. then that was it...she did not call or text.....i was the
one to text first.....which was something i did not like about the
relationship..i was always the one to initiate.... and here i am still
bothered by all of this. i texted her christmas greetings...and she
texted back.....
i never know what is going on in her mind. i never really new. and now that an almost year has passed..i am still the same person she dumped. i would still be cause for termination...and she....well...i bet the same faults would be there too. so why am i pining?....oh why am i ?....because...i miss the bitch...i miss the good times..not so much the hurt.....and i do have dreams of long lasting...just not real valid smart ones....love at first sight may be poetic and all but if one of those is an unemployed fat alcoholic who lives with his mother....then chances are things will be difficult to work out....i shouldn't try to visit myself upon anyone the way i am right now. and she..well.....her kids are her life and i just did not seem to fit in at all. i am a low life. i do not mind not flushing the toilet for a few days..i do not mind smelling....i like staying up late drinking...i do not mind not washing after an orgasm. i want the spontaneous fuck. i want head when i want it. i want to not feel guilty about doing the occasional drug....i want to adore and help and love without having to try so goddamned much..without bullshit..what exactly did she want of me that she did not want in the beginning of us?..........am i pining because i was dumped?......my natural response was to act blase then to save me from hurt......but then of course i drank my sads away...maybe i wanted/want her to save me. we had tender times....but i also felt as sad as fuck sitting right next to her.
and what would i do with her if she came back? ruin it again, be sad again...
when does one let go?..when does one fight for love like a goddamned teenaged smiths fan?...is there a numerical age?.....am i single for good now?...should i bother trying again..or just let it go?....she needs her a man with a good job and a stable life to be there for her and the kids...i am not that man.........she needs a man who she doesn't have to give too much attention to. i am not that man. the sex was good...best i had...but i feel i had to play games to get it.....
we were good friends in high school.....lost track after jc....then came together for 4 years.....and now...just about strangers..we would be strangers if i did not initiate contact....i really don't want to be friend friends again..sitting in coffeehouses with her looking at her....talking about life........i want to be her lover again.....don't grown up grown ups have sex and deal with it....i could be her friend if she was fucking me......otherwise i would just weep when we hung out...
i gave up the possibility of having a kid of my own for her.....i would love to have been a father to jaiden and tristian...but not like she was treating me...and now i have regret. this big lump of regret in my hand, this big lump of sad in my throat...and i get it from time to time..mostly by listening to sad songs.......joni mitchell...a letter to elise from the cure......and i know she has a heart....the last time i broke up with her she cried and told me some story about dreaming about reindeer or unicorns or some shit and how it meant we were destined.....and then the palm reader story....how i fit the description told to her by the palm reader of who she would end up with...i am not one to prove a palm reader wrong but...here i am and there (wherever) is her. i never felt as though she really believed in me beyond the good times...she never was a talker..never explained the intricacies of her to me.
and here i am with empty hands and she is asleep with empty hands and i think she is just fine with that. i wouldn't know otherwise because she doesn't pay any attention to me.
i never know what is going on in her mind. i never really new. and now that an almost year has passed..i am still the same person she dumped. i would still be cause for termination...and she....well...i bet the same faults would be there too. so why am i pining?....oh why am i ?....because...i miss the bitch...i miss the good times..not so much the hurt.....and i do have dreams of long lasting...just not real valid smart ones....love at first sight may be poetic and all but if one of those is an unemployed fat alcoholic who lives with his mother....then chances are things will be difficult to work out....i shouldn't try to visit myself upon anyone the way i am right now. and she..well.....her kids are her life and i just did not seem to fit in at all. i am a low life. i do not mind not flushing the toilet for a few days..i do not mind smelling....i like staying up late drinking...i do not mind not washing after an orgasm. i want the spontaneous fuck. i want head when i want it. i want to not feel guilty about doing the occasional drug....i want to adore and help and love without having to try so goddamned much..without bullshit..what exactly did she want of me that she did not want in the beginning of us?..........am i pining because i was dumped?......my natural response was to act blase then to save me from hurt......but then of course i drank my sads away...maybe i wanted/want her to save me. we had tender times....but i also felt as sad as fuck sitting right next to her.
and what would i do with her if she came back? ruin it again, be sad again...
when does one let go?..when does one fight for love like a goddamned teenaged smiths fan?...is there a numerical age?.....am i single for good now?...should i bother trying again..or just let it go?....she needs her a man with a good job and a stable life to be there for her and the kids...i am not that man.........she needs a man who she doesn't have to give too much attention to. i am not that man. the sex was good...best i had...but i feel i had to play games to get it.....
we were good friends in high school.....lost track after jc....then came together for 4 years.....and now...just about strangers..we would be strangers if i did not initiate contact....i really don't want to be friend friends again..sitting in coffeehouses with her looking at her....talking about life........i want to be her lover again.....don't grown up grown ups have sex and deal with it....i could be her friend if she was fucking me......otherwise i would just weep when we hung out...
i gave up the possibility of having a kid of my own for her.....i would love to have been a father to jaiden and tristian...but not like she was treating me...and now i have regret. this big lump of regret in my hand, this big lump of sad in my throat...and i get it from time to time..mostly by listening to sad songs.......joni mitchell...a letter to elise from the cure......and i know she has a heart....the last time i broke up with her she cried and told me some story about dreaming about reindeer or unicorns or some shit and how it meant we were destined.....and then the palm reader story....how i fit the description told to her by the palm reader of who she would end up with...i am not one to prove a palm reader wrong but...here i am and there (wherever) is her. i never felt as though she really believed in me beyond the good times...she never was a talker..never explained the intricacies of her to me.
and here i am with empty hands and she is asleep with empty hands and i think she is just fine with that. i wouldn't know otherwise because she doesn't pay any attention to me.
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