3;51 am tuesday march 31 2015 fell off the wagon

i felt right to drink tonight....i have had a 40 of steel reserve and a double shot of early times or some other shit bourbon...and started a tall can.....i am getting tired but for some reason i think if i am gonn drink after being sober for eight or so days i should do it up!...but....for what?..to be drunk all by myself?...i am good company but i even get bored of me sometimes...my head is not swimming like it has been...it certainly is not focused.....will this fall from the wagon last long?...i have about 6 tall cans left........i did some painting tonight.....i cnnot say i have much to look forward to....maybe the swans concert....maybe on my birthday someone will fuck me......

Saturday March 28 2005 - no lexapro no booze day seven...

i am still breathing....

the last few days i have fleeting moments of light headedness and then several times the sort of light headedness where i have to lean against something and feel like i may fall down...i still sleep a lot....my feet do not burn like they used to...but i feel so......calm....except when i go out .....went to a concert night before last.....immortal technique and talib kweli....on the way to pick up my friend my head was all over the place...the venue was very packed and walking through crowds to get to the back patio was unnerving...it took a while for me to calm down....

and i am not sure if this is part of it all but my vision is blurry in the morning and sometimes throughout the day...it takes a while for it to get right.....and my head is often swimming...cannot focus....i am wondering if being on lexapro for so many years and then trying to quit...causes these unhealthy things to happen.....the pills made you rely on them and then they when you try to quit it makes you discombobulated ..........

in the past decade or so of me taking the anti depression pills i have gone off them several times and it was usually horrible....i would start drinking heavily to counter the effects of no longer having those good levels of serotonin........and that would be useless.....but it numbed the sadness for the most part....it made the dizziness seem like just another side effect of the booze.....

i hear things....odd noises and sometimes a voice or two...a constant hum of electronics or the freeway...i have desires that the lexapro used to smother.....on the pills i would jack off maybe once every 2 weeks....now my libido has returned with a quiet vengeance...i jack off about 5 times a day if not more.

still dizzy at times....mind cannot focus hardly ever....this will take time.....