i will i will rock me

ok fukr, i am ready



i will kung fu your shit and take names

i am drinking some kind of sugar free lemonade thing and it hurts my throat...it is almost midnight and zac is asleep.



i ate at this place with gus last week.....chicken and black bean sauce with asparagus....

tonight is friday and i am at work

so i am starting slowly to deal with a big fear in my life..the gosh darned dentist...one would think with the size of fear i have i would treat my mouth better but i do not...but...this came up in a serious talk with the girlfriend...one of those make or break it talks and she said it is hard to be with someone who does not seem to care about themselves...and i agree, and i agreed....being single for a great deal of my life i have fallen into many bad habits....so i made the appointment and went and feared and fretted...and am making further appointments for further work on the inside of my face and i will fear more then, but these last 2 days off i smooshed the fear down with beer and beer. the gf came over last night but she said she had a cold and pretty much just rolled herself in a blanket and plopped down on my bed. i just happened to want some sort of attention....and i did fret a bit...but she wasn't taking any hints....she fell asleep for about 20 minutes and then sat bolt upright and asked the time and said she had to go, though i told her she had been there less than an hour....but..she being her...asked if i was going to walk her to the door and my inside upset told me no so my lips also said no, she said she loved me and i said "yeah"....and then she left....and the rest of the night i tried to sleep with fitful restlessness, thinking too much over and over about why she did this, why she did not do that....and came to no conclusion but bitterness..and i slept with bitterness...

in the morning she texted that she had called in sick to work, i called and her momma told me she was in bed....and yeah i felt bad....

and this is my life these days.....

do you want it?

ten forty nine sunday night

this was a week or so ago, gus and i were at the local deli



this was a few days ago..andy...




and this is duncan kitty, he reds literature in an odd way..he starts with the bios and letters and such and THEN moves on to the fiction...

if i ventured in the slipstream between the viaducts of your dreams
where immobile steel rims crack and the ditch in the back roads stop
could you find me?
would you kiss-a my eyes?


been listening to this whole album lately a lot and it floors me how comforting it is...it simmers my teapot. am i that old that van morrison should do it for me?..should i have started the mid-life crisis a few years ago?....

should i own a house already?
should i be married with children?
should i have ten thousand dollars in savings?

van is wailing his stream of thought and his yes must be glorious, his love must be good...dryyyyyy your eye for madame george...........and i am singing a bit and zac looks at me like i wanted to tell him something and i do, i want to translate this wonder to him....i want him to feel how david feels...


kiss-a my eyes

rocking the eff out to this song....such a sad song with such tangible blues...it is ten p.m. and zac (the young man i work for) is watching mary poppins...i have to remind him often to not sit so close to the t.v. he seems to be in quiet awe of certain sequences in the video...he watches it from odd angles sometimes...he is a master of rewinding and fast forwarding, stopping and playing....switching from vhs to dvd in halfseconds. this is part of the enigma of autism...well..in his case..though i have heard mention of it in other cases similarly.



sometimes i feel like this...i think i was driving when i took this picture...

ryan let me borrow some tudor/cage - a disc called indeterminacy ..wherein one performer is in one room playing piano pieces and cage is in another reading pieces..of different lengths that he has to either speed up or slow down to match the length of the music..

also he let me borrow eliane radigue's trilogie de la mort......and feldman's for bunita marcus..there will be some nice listening the next few days..

st patricks is coming up...the last 3 i had to work..and this one i have off! but...i don't feel like being out amongst the loud and drunk..i just want a few beers..a good book and my bed with my cat and dogs laying about me....and my woman..if she isn't busy..

i would like corned beef....hmm.......yeah



this is a long song with uh huhs and mmmmmms and harmonica and a pleading guitar and sad supplications...the naturally sad story the listener posits...."i gotta go, gotta go..."...

my first try at linking a youtube video...

in high school this was one of my favorite songs from my favorite band...half a person by the smiths...friends would always say they thought of me when they heard it..i think i sang it often...i was always adoring things and having crushes and the smiths were a big one, still are...


and another favorite...wonderful lyrics



i thought the romance and the sad and the clever happy in his voice and words were the pinnacle of goodness...and...well...i'm not far off.....to listen to them now is to remember when feelings seem to mean much more.....i suppose because i was an emotional cub scout (not that i am this great giant master of my emotions now)....when i found a gal that understood the smiths i found one that understood me...and OH the crushes...

i remember even in college my crushes fueled me, that aching made waking worthwhile...

this was a month and a half ago..taken at my favorite deli - hollingsheads...they have upwards of 3oo beers in the bottle and about 17 on tap..mostly micros, german and a few belgians here and there...

i read the women at the pump then...probably my fourth time...and it got me rereading the rest of my hamsun and my desire to buy as many of his works as i could get for a reasonable price...i got as many as i could in their first american printings...

i want to read them meaningfully...and i kinda feel odd even saying that...i have searched the net and found a lot of his stuff covered....but for the most part only his most popular writings ..this is of course what i have read in english...i would hope, all nazis aside, that norwegians and thereabouts would read him deeper...

i have a desire to be thorough....life lately has been a blur of dissatisfaction, drinking and napping..and i hope this project will save me.

i am repeating myself here but i need to, to remind me, to remind me to give a fart.



i wouldn't want to let this odd fellow down

my iphone's kindle list....one needs to keep up with the classics as well as the umm...other stuff...

speaking of..honestly..who the eff is gonna read this whole thing on an iphone screen?



this was from a month ago....taken at hakata ramen in fountain valley.....



and here is a book i came across (no masturbation puns please)......



and here is my buddy mark..we were having oysters at the ferry building in san francisco..



and here...



is one of my drinking spots while in sf....the trophy room next door to amoeba on haight street..i like the table far in the back...

well i be bloggin like a motherfucker every single day, droppin much hits wif my nigga dr. dre

been reading a lot lately.....currently on a hamsun kick but before that i reread all of my fante..both john and son dan



this is dan fante last year at a reading in santa monica...he had to tend to some quick business so his son, with help from the presenter, got on the table and started expounding on all things transformers...when fante came back in, he let him finish..it was nice...

dan signed my hardcover first black sparrow edition of his father's book "ask the dust"...

non linear blogging - all of the post structuralists are doing it

last month my most wonderful friend henry...who runs a restaurant with his poppa called me and said hey..i have some wagyu beef from australia if you want some..and holyshit i did....drove down there...we chatted a bit and he hands me this huge hunk...3 thick steaks of it....gloooorious...marbling as pretty as ropes of sperm across norah jones' tender chest...





so i massaged my meat with xtra virgin, rubbed some freshly cracked peppercorn and kosher salt....heated a heavy cast iron pan up a whole bunch then seared the steak on each side for 2 minutes or so...and let it rest for 15 minutes....



unstrangely enough there are no pictures of after...gus, andy and i were too stunned to speak....this was the most wonderful thing i have ever had in my mouth..besides, well..you know.....but sooo buttery..rich...tender as anything....it was simply tremendous...several hundred dollars worth of meat gone in a few heartbeats.....

so thank you henry..gus and andy thank you....

it is almost pavlovian,but then again it is also almost retarded

i went after work today at around 10am to visit my friend forrest at hi times in costa mesa (not a head shop but a one stop shop for all things alcoholic..and many things not...) he, as always, being such a stand up guy invited me into the ultra secret back tasting room to try out some irish whiskies...and i oooobliged.



tyrconnel port finish, madeira finish and sherry, Connemara Cask Strength, Greenore Single Grain, jameson 12 Year Old Triple distilled grain, John L Sullivan, and the most wonderful kilbeggan 15 yr,....best irish i have ever tasted...

i had brought him and another fellow samples of a bottle of ardbeg rollercoaster that i had bought there at hi times a week and a half earlier..they got in 9 cases (6 each)...and less than a week later i took my friend ryan there to try a few samples and there was only one case of 6 left....of which he bought one.....




ok back to the lecture at hand (perfection is perfected so i'm gonna let em unnerstand)i went to sbux once this morning...brought a few mini bottles of dulce de leche liqueur to correct my coffee and went online for a spell...then went home..gus came over for a bit..etc...then i felt restless..i got my stuff and went to another sbux...sat down, got the laptop out and realized i had left my mouse at home...and i felt inert....i only live a 2 minute drive from sbux but FUCK....i did not want to lose my table it wasn't one of the highly sought after ones near a wall plug but still, my ass was in a seat...a hard as fuck seat...so i get up, get my stuff together and drive home, calling my momma on the way so she could meet me outside with mouse in hand....thank you mom....

i decided to drive the extra 5 minutes to the other sbux..more room...more outlets..so i get there and fart if they weren't closing for some renovation or such...so yep i drive back to the o.g. one and sure enough my table was taken...so i sit at the bar and stare around for just about 20 minutes..then i say fuckit, i am pretty sure i said it out loud...and went to the other sbux in the mall...sat outside for 5 minutes and stared inside until a couple left and sure enough! the golden chalice that is a table right near the plug was mine!!! and the seas parted and malt liquor rained down from the sky and all was once again good with the world...

so here i am and my ass hurts but i have a seat and a plug...not a buttplug...

goodgod

it is freezing in starbucks and my tits are hard, the nipple parts of my tits...

i am reading a blog i came across and it is making me happy, makes me miss san francisco....you see..when i am there..and my nipples are hard...i don't seem to mind..

i have been coming religiously (that sentence alone is cause for concern)to this starbucks on harbor and wilson street after i get off work around 8:30ish....i bring my small cute laptop and get an iced venti upside down caramel macchiato with toffee nut syrup instead of vanilla and i sit on these hard chairs for hours..surfing the net..staring at asses, listening to joni mitchell and gangsta motherfucking rap.

i am going to be visiting san francisco again on my birthday and i am getting excited! going to hang out with mark my drinking buddy and college roommate...staying at the usual hotel near tommys joynt and right behind the o'farrel theater....in the midst of all the piss and vagina...vollmann central as i like to call it.....
can u imagine this fucker hanging out in the alley while you are drinking a 12 pack of natural ice and reading the latest dan fante novel? i sure can!


the days run away like wild horses over your mom

went out with diana my manna to pho the other day, we had not had an opportunity in a while to have a dinner date....th pho was real nice but the cha gio had that shrimp flavor i never can get used to...i had to text my friend henry to remind us where this particular place was..he and i had gone there manymany times in high school and after..and now i remember that this was the only place to have shrimpy tasting cha gio...

nonetheless it was a nice time.....a few days after her, her kids tristian and jaiden and my momma went to the persian festival at bowers museum in santa ana... is it me or are persian folk just downright beautiful?..their faces so full of stories,character. and the younger ones seem to be so full of such positive energy, the smiles, the gestures....the movements.....and the young dancers in their colors..the good grace of light fabrics coloring the air with swishes...







and my dearness on the patio, at rest just a little bit....





this was a sunday, we had hummus..and lavash with meat...

and afterwards i went home, read some more hamsun, took a small nap, woke and did sudoku, then went to work...

am at the starbucks on harbor near newport blvd....on a break from work....i have about 4 hours...

about halfway through hamsun's tales of love and loss..

in "Ladykiller" he swoons nonstop from woman to woman, expressing in grand gestures his love for only this one and then..for only that one...in "The Queen of Sheba"..following a woman who had the unfortunate accident of merely glancing at him..following her from train to train..watching at each stop to see if she would depart...incurring ticket fares and surcharges and making up elaborate ruses to merely and quite accidentally of course "bump into her". of course this story ends poorly for the main fellow..he writes so well the different strata of society, but what he does best is show the fumbling bumpkin inside of the self professed aristocrat. to me he is the woody allen of early 1900's nordland...

oh hamsun, my hamsun!

so to be happier i have decided to start reading hamsun again. i read him when i was younger, in my teens....i read hunger, victoria, pan, the women at the pump, mysteries.....and i reread those every year it seemed....and then this year when it rained a lot i took down from my shelf a hardcover of growth of the soil i had bought in solvang many moons ago. and i read it.

so there is something about reading hamsun with the sliding glass door open and the rain outside echoes the cold wetness in the book and your mind binds tightly to the text and you relax....i re-read mysteries...the women at the pump, pan and dreamers...hunger...the ferguson bio...on overgrown paths...all in a few weeks in january of this year..it was feverish the pace i was chewing on these books and i wanted more...there is a feeling i get near the end of good books of dread....worrying that the next may not be as good...so i went online and started ordering what hamsun i could find and afford....i bought and read in wonderland...and then found a copy of segelfoss town...devoured that too..

and then i stopped and my dilemma now is...i want to read them all over again but i want to do it in a more pointed, cohesive...let us say..coherent way.

i can read them strictly in chronological order, or..as many of his novels have recurring characters and there are even several trilogies there....do i read it thusly?

i posted that question on librarything but no response thus far....we shall see....for now i think it would be safe to start with "Tales of Love and Loss"



a souvenir press paperback published in 1997 - translated by robert ferguson. it has 20 short stories.

days of men and grease

so yesterday comes over and our simple aim is to change my breaks, change a tire. we get started around ten a.m.

we go to the closest auto zone on umm..17th in santa ana and using gus as my translator (whitey knows nothing about automobiles - or at least this whitey)we get brake pads for the front and rear of my glorious 2001 hyundai accent. We also get some kind of lubricant. As we are exiting the store we realize we needed to rent the piston resetting tool thing, we went back for that. then we went to my place and took a tire off and realized that two of the studs were bent so the lug nuts would only turn with great difficulty.

we went to the tire shop knowing i needed a tire anyways....we stopped at 2 shops in downtown santa ana. at one shop the fella said there were no used tires for my car and that a new one would cost "oh about fifty - five dollars" and we asked them how much it would cost to take off the studs and put new studs and bolts on and he said "oh about fifty - five dollars"...so on we go to the next place just down the street. i stayed in the car while gus approached the trio fine young men, i saw them looking towards me, knowing what would happen. RACISTS!!!! gus came back and they told him they had nothing for me. so on we go to big O tires near the target store on grand and 17th. we get there and the fellow helping me says they have no studs...so gus calls a kragen way the fuck over on bristol and edinger, they said they have 4. so off we gooo...

we get the 2 nuts and studs, the cashier has a lot of tattoos and she looks kinda happy...back to big O..well tell the guy, new tire..driver side right and 2 new studs driver side left....gustavo and i go to target to buy gummy worms, the sour ones...we go back to the tire shop and the car is done but gus notices that they put new studs on the right side...i told the fellow and he agreed that it was contrary to what i had told him....but they would have to order new studs and take care of it in a few days....i told them i would be back tomorrow...

it was close to work time for gus so we went back to my house and he picked up the sugar doggie and went home. i tookanap.

the next day gus came over about the same time, we called around closer places to get 2 more studs....nope...we had to go atfw back to bristol / edinger....then on the way to big O we stop at auto zone to get new rotors rather than have them refinished or whatever...then back to big o..while they are twiddling gus and i go to someplace nearbye and have some breakfast, the waitress - one of them - had great tits...the other one looked as though she gets beaten with a newspaper on the regular, as pretty as she was she was equally meek, made me sad while i ate my tacos....back to big O...then back home....

so this is where the shame of being an ill prepared person sets in, we search my garage and toolchest for a long time to find out that none of the ratchet head things i had fit...but happily enough my neighbor came home and he and gus found the right one in his garage..!!!! but of course with all good things comes penance and since gus is a goddamned sinner he got a lecture in morals and temperance from the same neighbor...in spanish...the only smatterings i caught were something about a brother being knocked down by a cow and receiving a traumatic brain injury..and that beer makes idle hands do bad things..this was said as gus was taking a swig from his blind pig...


"oje huero, cerveza es no bueno, tienes diablo!!!"

so we, and when i say "we" i mean "gus" changes both breaks and rotors, my only job was to spread lube on several parts....go ahead..make the joke....with minor difficulties..

so parts = about $111.00..oh and the tire cost $70...the running around was kind of a bitch but not that bad.....all in all gus saved me about 400 or so bucks, thank you friend.