i am at work now, zac is watching tv..it is about 11pm...i got a call from a boss an hour ago asking me to drop by this other client's place at 8:30...he is in a wheelchair with cp, cannot move his legs, arms can move minimally...he is a heavy guy....i will go there in the morning, get him from his bed into a bathroom chair then into his motorized chair...he likes to talk and he is a nice one though not too many of my coworkers seem to get along with him...his wife can get ornery and put her nose everywhere...also he does not put up with any guff and i don't blame him...sometimes lifting his slippery wet body after a shower i think i may drop him but i never have...and i never will...i am careful and i have done this many times before with many others...this is usually a two person lift job but for some reason my company does not take that into consideration...some times he shits his pants and it gets all over and stinks so much i gag...i try my best not to let it show because a lot of my job is helping the client retain their dignity...and that is an important part because often people with disabilities cannot do what they once could and this causes them embarrassment to have to depend upon someone else, a stranger really in intimate (bathroom) situations...

i seem to always leave his house in a good mood, a bit sweaty from the heavy lifting but happy, alive. and then tomorrow i will go over to diana's house for a bbq they are having for a few birthdays.

so..things seem to be getting better with her and i, one just never knows for sure it seems until shit happens...and i cannot wait my whole life just waiting for shit to happen..for a shoe to drop....that can be exhausting so i think i need to change the way i think of things....the other choice i have is to end it because i never know if it is going to work out..and that is a lonely choice..i could see that as a viable choice if she shit on me all the time.....it seems that when i am not happy with me i am also not happy with her....or the world in general...this is not to excuse anything careless or mean she has done to me...this is just to say that who you are emotionally at a particular time can color your whole world....if you shit on yourself then chances are everything around you will also be covered in shit...and oftentimes i feel as though my life is covered in shit. i just don't want to get any on her. she is one of the least shitty things about my life right now. a month ago and before that she was a big turd....but now things are different.....for now....

so how do we make decisions and why do we feel the need to write it down?..and why do we ask others advice?.....some of us keep it to ourself always and some of us get ulcers and kill ourselves..but that is not me..some of us babble nonstop incessantly airing our laundry always everywhere and that is also not me...i am somewhere in between..and i do not know if i need to fix it or not......can i or should i handle my problems by myself keeping it solely to the parties involved?..should i confide in a select few or one...? do i even heed advice?..should i?....should things be as black and white as "dump her or don't"?......

i know that i want good life and i know that i want good love and i know that i am there, my ears and head are there for my friends when they need to tell me about things on their mind......