i fucking got no dukes....

i feel like the wind has been out of me for about a week....could be leftover phlegmism from my cold..could be that i have been off my happy meds for a spell.....i do this foolishly from time to time....when i run out..i am poor and i just deal with it until i am no longer poor.....the downside of course is feeling ungrounded and sometimes treating people prickishly..but i do my best to not be around people when i am like this...

the gf and i are i guess a couple....we had that lame ass breakup thing  month ago...for i dunno...a week and a half and then she just insisted that she was going to keep us together....and i, for lack of nothing better to do, just went along with it....of course i do not want to be alone but i feel like nothing was accomplished or nothing was dealt with or settled during our breakup to cause us to be a couple again....so....i fell like i am just along for the ride....its not so bad really..she seems to be treating me better...i just have zero idea now what the future holds...it is not at all like before the breakup...i mean long before...before things started to get retarded....back then i had ideas of marriage and kids and beer cellars and bookcases and a huge space for her and i and her kids....."us"..and i believed in magic..believed in love songs...

and we had troubles, she told me hers and i made efforts but just then she stopped caring, told me a few unkind words...started taking things we had previously talked about and changing them by degrees....so.."we can try to have kids" changed to "i'm not sure i can handle having kids again" to "i do not want to have any more kids" and another one - from "you will have to put a ring on it before we move in together" and "we could live with your momma until we can afford our own place" to "i don't think i can handle living in that house" .....and then i was the one to make the break...i was done feeling insufficient...i felt like a bad ATM transaction "insufficient dukes"....and then she put it into her head that she was going to make sure that she got what she wanted and she wanted to stay together....and hell..is it my fault for feeling flabbergasted?...for not arguing and telling her "umm..we broke up for a reason and that reason really has not been addressed"?....in fact i think i did tell her that and i am pretty sure she just glossed right over it and continued on with what she wanted out of life....

should i feel flattered that i am what she wants?....life is very long when you're lonely (thank you morrissey) but i am guessing that life is also very long when you are not certain about the one you are with and are just biding your time..waiting to see just what the fuck she is going to do next...because it all seems to be up to her until i finally decide to dust my broom......