"that's how things are when you are dating a woman with children....."

she told me this earlier on the phone....after i told her i had been feeling neglected....only seeing her once this week....and not having any alone time since the 5th of this month....

i told her all it would take if she sent me a text in the middle of the day telling me that she missed me or....the few times we do talk...it would be nice if she told me some sweet things.....not just all of the shit that happened to her that day..of course i always ask her how the day went.....but it would be nice if she told me something sweet for me....something small for my ear...which would take all of three minutes.......three minutes a week...and a text maybe twice a week....

i told her that i never expect to be number one on her list or even two or three...i just would like to be number four every once in a while...

she told me she didn't want to talk about it anymore....after many fat pauses i asked what she wanted to talk about...she said she was grumpy....i asked her if she wanted to talk about why she was grumpy...that is when she told me about dating a woman with kids....and she told me she felt that this was constant, this nagging..and i told her yes..it felt as though i were constantly being neglected...and i told her that i needed to tell her because if i held it in then things would go bad or we would not be together.....she said she didn't want to talk about it...so i said goodbye and she said goodbye...

it is friday night - the 13th....the last time i saw diana was saturday the 7th...tomorrow will be one week...

this is more of a way to remind myself later, my brain clouds sometimes and i cannot hold on to things..

i feel like i am micromanaging my girlfriend by writing down all they ways she gets on my tits.....

i could write down all the ways she makes me smile..but no, i'm not gonna do that right now...

so now i suppose i play the waiting game....how long does a woman who says she loves you go without calling you?.......how often do you have to pull stupid game tricks like not returning her texts to teach her a stupid ass lesson about paying more attention to her?

i am not going to apologize for the following.......nor blame it on the fact that i am a man....

you want to fuck your girlfriend....you hope she wants to fuck you...you do not mind initiating sex but when you do it all the time you feel like she isn't into it...and she tells you in no uncertain terms that she hates it when you initiate sex...well...

i want spontaneous sex, dirty filthy sex.....i will take it as often as i can....i do not expect it at all....i would like it to happen certainly more than never...

ok, so you can't or more likely won't give your boyfriend the child or children you once said you wanted to....and you don't make the effort to make him feel adored......ok then at least, at fucking least...fuck your man.....that just might make him stay..if that is what you want.....sad to hear it said this way but this is blunt....

right now i am disdainful, disillusioned, dissatisfied  and unfucked.....

and you are distant, non responsive and neglectful...

what a retarded place i am in

i am in san diego for another few days...

i just had my first beer in 6 days..i have been off of my anti depressants for about a week and a half..and i sometimes get a little light headed....and i get disdainful,.....and i get calmly pleasant some times...

can i blame my upset at other things in my life on my dearth of meds.......if i were current on my meds would i be ok with the way things are going with the woman..would the serotonin make the neglect somehow better?

i want her to call so i can ignore her call..so she can ask herself....hmm..he has not responded to my last two good morning texts......and my call..i wonder if there was something....oh wait..on the phone a few days ago he told me he was going to be off of work on saturday and all i did was tell him a list of things i had to do that had nothing to do with him...i ignored his desire to be wanted....i neglected his desire to be missed.....


and again, diana is not a retarded woman so it makes me wonder.......either:

her mind is elsewhere...on the kids..on her job..etc....wherein i would understand of course but i would still be sad because i have addressed this many times before.....

she is doing this purposefully because she does not want to be with me.....which would make sense because...well....if you neglect your partner in several ways..and you partner addresses this neglect so that it could be dealt with....and you give it a cursory week or so..and then neglect again in the exact same way..or even new ways...if that happens then it must mean that they are doing it on purpose...because they do not want to be with you because otherwise....if they wanted to be with you they would see that this is causing you emotional and sometimes physical pain..address the neglect..talk to you about it..come to a conclusion about change and put that change into action.....and stick with it..they would not repeat the same neglect over again..they would not take advantage of your good graces and attention and simply let it go..hoping that you would eventually just shut the fuck up and deal with the neglect..deal with not having what you wanted in life...deal with second rate love..deal with never feeling safe....

she.....

you know what?..i am going to just stfu.....i am getting tired of hearing myself whine...

midnight...and i am upset..cannot sleep....been posting lame ass coded references on facebook as to why i am upset..as if the person i am upset at will miraculously go onto facebook (which she does about once every 2 months) see what i have written..decode my anger and then find a way to make it okay again...

in my head after being upset over something yesterday i thought of something old i was upset about that i never dealt with and neither did she....

i want children of my own...and in the beginning of the relationship we talk about it and she said she would be willing ...and this made me happy..i have a very strong drive to have a kid....something i have always thought about..ever since....ever...and to have a kid with this gal, with diana..would be most wonderful because she is a great gal....a good person....

but

as the relationship progressed ..she would slowly withdraw that idea...it went from "i'll talk to the doctor about in vitro, etc.." to "i'm not sure i want to go through pregnancy again.." to "i don't want to have another kid".....

and these retractions came after we were in love..emotional investments...time spent, etc...and i felt stuck....i told myself ok david......she no longer wants something that you told her was very important to you, something that she led you to believe she also wanted......she took that off the table without any discussion...she just matter of factly said that she did not want it anymore.......

and then david being david tells himself...well....i can live my life without..i can live my life unfulfilled....i can go without something i have always wanted very badly....i can do this ...i can do this as long as she ....well..as long as she makes me feel good about me..as long as as she is a good girlfriend otherwise....i can let my dream of being a father go........

so here we come to the subject of ifs........well....i did not want to be alone..so i told myself that things were better than they were when in reality i was lying to myself so i would stay in a relationship i was unhappy in...so i would not be alone......being the (over) honest person i am i showed my discontent often to her...oftentimes it was me telling her what she did to make me sad..and her telling me ok baby i will try....and then her not trying because she was upset at me for not being on that pathway to marriage..or for not losing weight or dressing better.....

we would argue or rather i would argue and nothing would become of it and we would build up resentment to one another...

and then things seemed to get better...i stopped complaining...we no longer talked about having kids...i enjoyed the time i spent with her kids...i became their father away from their father (he is in florida and sees them maybe twice a year.....well..he has for the last 2 years....before that he had not seen either of his kids for about three years.....when i say this i mean it lightly really...when we went on trips i was the disciplinarian....we went places together..i played with them..bought them things...babysat...went to their school functions and their educational meetings...i grew fond of them..love them really....and then another thing happened......maybe something slight to her..but it meant a lot to me.....father's day.......the day went by...the afternoon went by...the night passed..and..nothing...the next day she told me she had them call their dad...and i imagined the smile on his face...their voices filling up the miles between them....their innocence ignorant of his transgressions....

one could tell how much this bothered me because i wrote about it on june 21st of this year....and here i am writing about it again....

where was i?.....oh.....if's.....after the non father's day...i was sadsadsad...but i kept it in and hushed myself.....

and then vegas came ...we both had a wonderful time.....

and things seemed to be fine after vegas...or rather.by "fine" i mean i kept my mouth shut...she fucked me at least once a week but not without telling me first that she was not in the mood... and i never brought up again my longing to have kids of my own...

and then here we are now...something i wrote about yesterday that i cannot shake...

yesterday i called her...i told her that i would be back on saturday after not seeing her for a while week and she started in on a list of things she had to get done then etc...and i was quieted... i waited for her to maybe realize.....and then i told her (yes, i know i am repeating myself...) that one day it would be nice if when i told her i would be back home after a week of not seeing her that she would, with maybe a small bit of enthusiasm, ask me when we could see one another, or tell me she cannot wait to see me..instead of giving me a laundry list of things she needed to get done which have nothing to do with me....

i had decided today to not return her texts or phone calls for the duration of the vacation....and then when i get back let her get in touch with me....and this, i know, is completely retarded, so very immature but i feel like it is the only way i could get her to realize the way she goes about things....

diana is not a stupid woman, on the contrary she is very smart....she is a very good mother...a very kind woman..and she has made me very happy before...but.....i dunno....i feel as though if i do not take care of this now that it will bite me in the ass in the future...

it feels manipulative that i have to outright ignore her to get her to pay attention to me, that is what i consider "playing games"....but this has happened before....and i had to do the same damned thing..and it worked like a charm for a while....and then here we are now...i do not want to keep having to do this throughout my life...just to get some good attention..just to have that peace of mind that i will have good love..long lasting and thoughtful love.....


now here is where i get nasty and say how i feel in a bold and naked way:

if i have to give up the one thing i have always wanted (a child), and if i have to give up this one thing to be with a woman who once told me that she too wanted it, would try......and if i have to give up that one thing to a woman who changed her mind about that one thing i have always wanted..and if i have to give up that one thing i have always wanted to a woman who forgets me on father's day...who is careless about my feelings, who makes me feel like my absence from her for a week is nothing to her...a person who makes me doubt myself......makes me wonder what deficit there is in me that makes her treat me this way..a person who makes me feel flawed and makes me feel as though she is punishing me for those flaws by being careless to me......if if if if if...

if this is the case then i would rather be alone. i do alone just fine, i have had plenty of practice in my life..and when i let myself down i just chalk it up to consistency...

a partner is someone who makes you a better you, who makes you feel secure, safe, loved and adored. right now i do not feel better, i do not feel secure, i do not feel safe and i do not feel loved and i do not feel adored...

security - otis redding sang about it...he said:

Don't want no money right now
I don't want no fame
But security
I have all of these things

and....i feel insecure not because i have low self esteem..but i believe it is because with the way she is treating me that she genuinely does not want to be with me.   if she did then why would she be careless with my feelings..?

safe?....no..i do not feel safe...with these prevailing winds of hers..it seems as though she may drop the bomb on me out of nowhere and at any time....or..more likely..she could continue her odd campaign of love/not love..caring/not caring....ad nauseum...and then where would i be?..i would be a bitter old man who does not love the one i am with and am only with her because i need the eggs...

loved?.....honestly..i do feel loved sometimes...but no..not all the time....i believe that love is one of those things one needs to feel all the time if one is going to bother being in a relationship..because love given is a wonderful thing..as long as it is not ...at irregular intervals...taken away...and if it is...then it is false..it is better to never have been loved at all...


adored?.....only briefly and in very small amounts....i actually felt it about a week or so ago..she was touching me on my arm..looking at me and smiling when i was not looking at her..but that went away when she started this odd habit of telling me several times as i tried to initiate sex that she really wasn't in the mood and that i would have to work at it if i wanted it to happen....this is the last thing you want to hear when you are being intimate with your lover....and no..i do not expect intimacy all the time and i do not expect her to be in the mood often even....though it would be a joyful thing...i just hope that when we do make love that she does not preface it with "i'm really not in the mood for this".....when she said that we had not made love for almost 2 weeks...and i was becoming frisky....she had mentioned before that she hated it when i initiated sex...which is another thing a lover never wants to hear...and if i waited to have sex only when she initiated it then it honestly would happen maybe once a month...if that...i cannot remember the last time she initiated sex...maybe in vegas but before that..i have no idea....so no....i do not feel adored...

so if if if..i am going to have a partner who no longer wants something  she once told me she did..and that something she knows would make me so happy..if i become attached to her children in lieu of having my own and she is careless with my feelings for them, forgetting to acknowledge my role in their lives...forgetting even the smallest gesture of thanks on fathers day or any day for that matter (david like macaroni pictures too)...and if that same woman only seems to begrudgingly fuck me every week or so telling me she is not in the mood..and if that woman doesn't make plans when to see me next after an absence of a week without me having to prompt her of that fact and even then still doesn't make plans...

then that is one woman i would be foolish to stay with, all of the signs she has given me point towards someone who doesn't want to be with me. i am not making this up..all signs point to this...she is not being subtle...oh of course she could shout it from the rooftops but that is not her style...she is, by degrees, withdrawing herself from me, and it is not as if she ever gave herself to me in any significant way really...and in withdrawing herself from me she is taking parts of me with her...i am losing myself..subsuming me into her...and i am becoming useless...

i started my shift here at work (i do overnights and days as a respite care worker for people with developmental disabilities...) sunday at 5pm......i work straight through until saturday at nine am...i am with my client and his momma and her boyfriend in san diego....this is his vacation before school starts up again in a few weeks... i call my girlfriend just before nine pm and we talk...


"so....i get off work nine a.m. saturday.."

"oh...i need to get my car fixed.....etc etc..."

"dot dot dot"

"oh..umm....did you want to maybe do something...?"

"..."

"..."
"baby...i wish one day...when you haven't been able to see me for a whole week and i told you when i was coming home ..i wish you would say something like "oh baby i miss you so much can i see you when you get back?"...and make plans to see me instead of me just telling you when i will get back and you telling me all the things you need to do then..."

"ok baby"

"..."
"..."
"you sound tired love..go to bed, love you"

"love you too"

"..."
"..."