i am in san diego for another few days...

i just had my first beer in 6 days..i have been off of my anti depressants for about a week and a half..and i sometimes get a little light headed....and i get disdainful,.....and i get calmly pleasant some times...

can i blame my upset at other things in my life on my dearth of meds.......if i were current on my meds would i be ok with the way things are going with the woman..would the serotonin make the neglect somehow better?

i want her to call so i can ignore her call..so she can ask herself....hmm..he has not responded to my last two good morning texts......and my call..i wonder if there was something....oh wait..on the phone a few days ago he told me he was going to be off of work on saturday and all i did was tell him a list of things i had to do that had nothing to do with him...i ignored his desire to be wanted....i neglected his desire to be missed.....


and again, diana is not a retarded woman so it makes me wonder.......either:

her mind is elsewhere...on the kids..on her job..etc....wherein i would understand of course but i would still be sad because i have addressed this many times before.....

she is doing this purposefully because she does not want to be with me.....which would make sense because...well....if you neglect your partner in several ways..and you partner addresses this neglect so that it could be dealt with....and you give it a cursory week or so..and then neglect again in the exact same way..or even new ways...if that happens then it must mean that they are doing it on purpose...because they do not want to be with you because otherwise....if they wanted to be with you they would see that this is causing you emotional and sometimes physical pain..address the neglect..talk to you about it..come to a conclusion about change and put that change into action.....and stick with it..they would not repeat the same neglect over again..they would not take advantage of your good graces and attention and simply let it go..hoping that you would eventually just shut the fuck up and deal with the neglect..deal with not having what you wanted in life...deal with second rate love..deal with never feeling safe....

she.....

you know what?..i am going to just stfu.....i am getting tired of hearing myself whine...