oh i have got those deep dissatisfaction blooze......

i bet akon doesn't put up with this kind of shit from his bitches...he fucks AND eats steak ALL THE TIME!!!


so i am at starbucks...it is 10:am-ish....

and once again i need to get this distaste from my brain and body down here so hopefully it well be exorcised/excised...

i cannot say anything has changed for the positive since the last entry...she is sooooo busy and there is no time for me...she is making decisions for her time that do not include me, my needs are not met...we went out to dinner after not seeing each other for a week and she started this retarded argument...she told me she felt as though i took advantage of the situation and was disrespectful when i came over to her house and brought a beer with me and drank it.....what the fuck?.....we argued that round and round...her not wanting to talk about what really was bugging her....her being quiet and saying she did not want to talk about it...me asking questions about what was so harmful about me drinking a beer at her house....i had done it before....so that ruined the time we had together......and then she just kinda let it go as if nothing happened....

and then we did not see one another for another week....she usually, or rather..almost always comes over thursday night but the thurs following our fight....no call, no text....no show...then she told me she would come over another night and just never showed...telling me she fell asleep because she was tired.....no call...etc.....

then she came over a few nights ago late at night, she said she was tired and i told her we could nap...but she kept insisting i get up..i told her i just wanted to nap and she said she did not want to because when she goes to sleep she is out...i told her we could set my alarm...she gave some excuse and left......

then a few days after that she texts me that she was horny........it has now been 23 days since we had sex...and she knows i have been horny...and she has ignored my needs...she actually told me  about a month ago when we were hanging out.."i will have to give you a blow job later because it has been a while"....and of course i got all happy...but after lunch she just dropped me off....with no mention....

and what i have been doing to "deal" with this feeling of inferiority i have because she is paying me no mind.....i have been drinking a lot more to obliterate the thoughts..excuse or not..this is what i have been doing....i have also been thinking of stupid ways to ignore her...to make her see without telling her how much this bothers me.....but i have done this many times before with her...to no avail....and i want to have a normal relationship....one without constant self loathing and fighting.....i don't want peace in the valley or something spectacular..i just want something where i am not sad all of the time.....

i have always thought that bad love was better than no love at all....this is no declaration but...no more....i need some good feelings..i am just way too down lately...and i am not blaming her for all of my troubles...i am just getting constant inattention and constant feelings of not being worthy of her attention..otherwise..why would she be neglecting me like this?

i feel like screaming or bursting into tears here in the middle of starbucks..i can feel the nose get stuffy..the eyes water......i want to overturn a table...

a part of me feels like a giant type pussy for not telling her it is over...even further for not telling her fuck you for wasting my time and my love and attention...when i told her a while ago things were not working out she got scared for maybe a day or so and then she just came back into my life like nothing had happened..and i let her...and that is why that failed.....

what to do.....


i look at the gals going in and out of starbucks and think...one..just ONE of these dozens of gals has to be kind...has to be attentive.....it cannot be that all of them are whack jobs....and then i think it is just me...that i am the cause of everything that is wrong in the relationship....i do not like doubting myself as a hobby,,i don't mind being wrong.l...i just hate feeling like the world is my fault.......and i, for some reason, am not processing all of this very well.......

my throat is closing and i want a beer and a few shots....