in the pool...

i have a dr's appt tomorrow at 3pm...i had to make this one because my meds were out and the dr only allowed me a 10pill refill until i made an appointment. seeing as though i will have her ear and attention i though it best to use it wisely. i will tell myself here what i will tell her there (forthemostpart).

The lexapro is no longer working for me, i think. And when i go without them because there are none left and i do not have the money for a refill i get worried. if i go for a few days i am okay but on that third day i start to feel odd and i know how it will go so i drink to get me through the days until i have my pills again. then i start feeling lopsided and wonky. i am not steady on my feet. life seems fuzzy, my brain...i cannot focus and i become short with people and try my best to not be around them. this is even in the morning or on days i do not drink. i feel as though i have little or no energy and also i feel anxiety upon having to get out of bed in the mornings as well as during the day...and when i feel anxiety during the day i go into my room and lay down on my bed and play sudoku on my phone over and over for an hour or so. sometimes i then fall asleep until the next morning or i will go back into the frontroom and go on my computer for a few hours also watching tv. i often feel listless and sad about money, relationship stuff...lack of a job..but i really feel immobile as to what to do about it. i feel as though i have no happiness in my day so i sleep to avoid it. small things make me overly sad but also big things really do not affect me like they should. i feel numb often to things in my life and the world in general. i seem to have the ability to turn off feelings easily. but i cannot turn on anything other than apathy.
     from what i remember about the arc of my history with lexapro is that in the beginning it felt like a godsend..i had so much energy and i was up and doing things about the house. i was writing more and reading more, going out more. and then it waned...i believe my dosage was doubled and that helped for a bit...and then the waning...tried wellbutrin for a short spell and that scared me because it felt too speedy...then back on the lexapro...tried a nutritional class for a few days/..that was nice but nothing i stuck to. talked about seeing a psychiatrist..then i became unemployed....then i became single.... then my aunt died and i saw my momma take care of a lot of the arrangements and it became a big emotional drain for her..and seeing her like that made me feel more manic but still..it did not drive me to do anything about it really. i feel something is holding me back, like i am stuck.
     i feel as though lexapro made me, emotionally, what i am today...i no longer sit on the edge of my bed at 4 in the morning staring at my bookcases....but i do lay in bed, sleepless until 5am or so playing sudoku. i need a lifestyle change of course we both know that. but i also need a meds change. i also wanted to know if you think i am healthy enough to go on a juice fast for 30 days.

i spent the day in the pool weeping and drinking...

momma left to go to dinner with my cousin michelle in corona.......i had the day to myself...

and i thought about diana, and i wrote about diana...and i face timed her..we talked a bit and we both cried.....me because i missed her and her because she has not been feeling well lately, overwhelmed..

i wrote her a letter, two pages.....i am thinking of mailing it to her, putting an actual stamp on it......

i cannot sleep..it is 4:44 am!!!!....i told myself 3 weeks ago that i would no longer drink during the week, only on weekends...which i considered to be friday saturday sunday. regardless of what my ex thinks. she mentioned the other day that friday is not a weekend and so the next week i started drinking on thursday. and this week....i waited 40 or so minutes past midnight.

i slept too much during the day yesterday, that is why i am up.

i don't measure my days nor do i have anything to divide them. in my head nothing tells me any more to be happy. and happiness is not natural at all. i think that even if i had a fjord to walk along or all the good books in the world to read i would still be sad. i had a good woman for years but i was not a good man and she did not stay. and i did not try. she did not try. we did not try. there was no trying. we both tried as much as we wanted to. here and i are trying to remain friends. which means we are remaining friends. which means we text infrequently, see one another on bowling days and odd mutual friend/family events. we don't talk about us in the present. we don't talk about us in the past. we smile and we hide tears. and it bothers me. it bothers me that she doesn't text more often randomly...same thing that bothered me when we were together. we are not together so i should shut up. i am a grown ass man so i should shut up. i am not over it so i should let it go. she broke up with me this time. which she had before but she is not asking me back like she had before. it has been four months. i am still the same person. she is still the same person. if she saw me happy and doing well she would miss me more. i am not happy. i am not doing well. she does not miss me. i do not miss her as we were often. of course i miss the sweetness. the tenderness. but we both have built up resentments. we both are not compatible as history has shown but goddamn i miss it. and i know she does as well. but we cannot just pretend can we? that would put both of our lives on hold. i feel like such an emotional cripple.

quiet desperation...

oh what a fart!..as a friend used to say, she may still say it, i dunno....anyways.....

i have been single almost 5 months....she broke up with me this time.....in the parking lot of the bowling alley of which we are still team members in a league that ends sometime in october....we decided to stay in the league together..and it has not been that bad....some weeks are better than others...it goes from coolly racking up pins and acting as though it doesn't tear me up inside to drinking too much, shitting my pants and weeping in front of her...so the gamut has been run....

my aunt pat died several weeks ago. we had a celebration of life thing last weekend and it was nice..though her semi-adopted "son" did not make the drive from arizona at the last minute.....giviing some reason about parole and thisthus........my thoughts...if you wanted to make it you would have...i think his reason was an excuse..made up....and now..after the celebration...a sister of his, who we found out later was not on good terms with him at all, took some of the ashes to arizona to give to him to scatter at the grand canyon.......when she got back to arizona she did not call him immediately...and he learned of her having the ashes and flipped out (he has clinical anger issues) and said he was going to go down to her place with his gun and set the place on fire. he seems to threaten quite a bit...but never does anything but flap his gums...he is skinny and he is a stoner......so yeah..there is that...

he is also being very cautious and suspicious and paranoid about the life insurance policies my aunt had...i believe one was in his name and one was in her daughter michelle's daughter brittany's name and then there are a few social security checks and other $ coming in from this and he is calling michelle and telling her he thinks she is trying to screw him out of his money.....

family history break: my aunt is pat, her daughter is brittany. i have a cousin named pattie who since she was youngish has had many kids.....none of which she raised much herself..they were all farmed out to other friends and family members....now little jim...i forget how old he was...he was given over to aunt pat to raise and she did....but there was no sort of adoption..only a paper little jim found with a notary stamp saying pattie is giving the rights for medical attention to him over to pat....and i think little jimmy clings to this as a sort of adoption paper...

aunt pat was the sort to let any strays and waifs into her heart and home, sometimes to the detriment of her own life.....she was grandmother to all.....and she seemed to get shit on often because of this...she had some of the hardest and most depressing years of her life the last decade, cancer, loss of limb, sitting around on vicodin and lots of beer then eventually another limb lost and cirrhosis then come then death......the good parts of these times was when she got to see her granddaughter odessa...little jim's daughter..in arizona.....she would go there often for months at a time and then back here with odessa for a month or so..then back........she never seemed to take care of herself..no therapy...always used pain as a reason/excuse.....seemed the epitome of quiet desperation. and i could be wrong. i miss her.

woke up quick..at about...i forget......last night i went to bed earlier than usual...11pm.....played angry birds for a spell.....then slept with daisy right against me.....woke at 5:11am.....i know this bc i sleep w my phone near so i look at the time often.....sometimes i specifically do not look at the time....so i woke and played angry birds....then fell asleep for about 7 hours...then i goddamned woke....then napped a goddamnedgain.....then woke....then talked to momma about sleeping too much..traded texts w the ex...and went into the pool and drank a 0....then came out and drank more.........and it is now 10:39 pm........

odd writing here after such a spell.....i am single again.....for a month or so now.....and still dealing with it....poorly..