i don't measure my days nor do i have anything to divide them. in my head nothing tells me any more to be happy. and happiness is not natural at all. i think that even if i had a fjord to walk along or all the good books in the world to read i would still be sad. i had a good woman for years but i was not a good man and she did not stay. and i did not try. she did not try. we did not try. there was no trying. we both tried as much as we wanted to. here and i are trying to remain friends. which means we are remaining friends. which means we text infrequently, see one another on bowling days and odd mutual friend/family events. we don't talk about us in the present. we don't talk about us in the past. we smile and we hide tears. and it bothers me. it bothers me that she doesn't text more often randomly...same thing that bothered me when we were together. we are not together so i should shut up. i am a grown ass man so i should shut up. i am not over it so i should let it go. she broke up with me this time. which she had before but she is not asking me back like she had before. it has been four months. i am still the same person. she is still the same person. if she saw me happy and doing well she would miss me more. i am not happy. i am not doing well. she does not miss me. i do not miss her as we were often. of course i miss the sweetness. the tenderness. but we both have built up resentments. we both are not compatible as history has shown but goddamn i miss it. and i know she does as well. but we cannot just pretend can we? that would put both of our lives on hold. i feel like such an emotional cripple.