lexapro day 7 or 8 i forget...

i have been napping every day this week but my waking time seems more energetic, not that i am actually doing anything with it. yet. today i left home at 7am and did not come back until about 4pm which was good because it meant i did not nap then. when i got home i napped. but hey! i am writing about this so it is an improvement on before. i think about writing more, which again is an improvement on before. i believe that if i force myself to stay awake and move and do things then it may work. but naps are oh so gorgeous, a great time/life waster though. i am not saving money. i do not have a job. i don't get out much at all. i spend too much time sitting. but i am back on my meds and i need to allow myself to say that counts for something. if i do not start counting my blessing then i will be sad boy again and my life will go nowhere. i need a goal, nothing abstract though like being more happy.

o hello again lexapro!

on day one of taking my meds (lexapro 10mg), one hour after taking it i started feeling very speedy, my brain was darting everywhere noticing all things around me. my heart was beating faster. i found myself often standing in front of things or sitting with my arm in an up position holding something...for maybe half a minute or so. i had to consciously break myself out of whatever revery i was in several times. Over the next few days my heart beat slowed down a bit.

ever since college (1994) i acquired the poor habit of taking naps during the day and staying up very late. and when my depression became an issue (around the time my grandfather died in january of 2001) i started napping even more, longer. i started taking lexapro 2002. i remember in the beginning the meds feeling the same way they do now. i was speedy for a while and then it leveled off. i believe over the years i never gave it a fair chance because i have always been a big drinker and even more so when i was verysad. when i had a job things were better, when i had a girlfriend things were both better and worse depending upon whether we were fighting and/or i was getting laid. after the girlfriend left me it was worse. in a few months it will be two years since her and i broke up. 

 so i started back on the meds at the beginning of this week. i still take naps but i have been for the last 3 or so nights staying up until about 4 or 5 am....partly because i took a long nap and partly because the meds has me all fucked up that way. and also since day one i had to pretty much exhaust myself to get to orgasm. the next time i do it it will be a bit easier and then more easy. (that is how the meds work) but my libido is pretty much shot again (a great side effect). i think about sex and i think about whacking it but i just let it go and i don't bother trying to figure out a way to do either because it seems like too much trouble. lexapro seems to be a great fuck it drug. your mind encounters a problem one second and the next your mind turns to something else. i am not sure it helps you take care of your problems and the things you have been putting off it just seems to help you ignore them. you do not have the presence of mind to be sad. it is another sort of numbness. another reason why i stopped taking it a few months ago or so is because i felt like an automaton and i did not want to be that robot letting some meds run my life. I AM A PERSON WITH MY OWN IMPETUS AND PERSONALLITY!!! i believed i could do it on my own so i stopped cold turkey without telling my doctor. and of course the next few days i was fine (as fine as a depressed alcoholic could be) and then the shitstorm started. the sadder i became the more i drank. 

one of my few drinking buddies, rob kolar, just up and fell off the face of the planet without telling anybody really. he fucked his roommate, another friend he has had since they were young, over and moved out of the house without paying rent and refused contact with him. i used to hang out with him often and drink and bullshit and he was great to talk to...and then for no reason he was.......gone. and that affects a person when they feel they have few people they could really talk to about anything....Since then i have been increasingly aimless (unemployed for about 2.5 years now) not trying to find a job, making money by selling shit on ebay, day drinking nightdrinking always drinking. i believe in the last few years i drank every day with only a few scattered days off in between. i usually kept it to beer mostly malt liquor and high alcohol ipa's and shitty gutter beer and then there were the days and weeks of gin and whiskey. 

about a month ago i was feeling too lightheaded and odd all the time so i decided to lay off the booze. i started taking walks and eating better for a week or so. i layed off the booze for 22 days and then a friend came over and we had a bottle share. we took our time but drank for about 7 or so hours and i felt more tired than i did drunk. the next day i had a shower beer and nothing for the next week until one day i had a real bad toothache so i drank 6 shots of vodka and a hop stoopid then i met holly at the deli where i had 2 big beers and i do not remember much from that time until the next morning when holly told me i kept trying to lick her car. i had a horrible 2 day hangover and have not drank since. i have had no alcohol since starting my meds again and i am wary about starting. i miss the taste of a good ipa but i know i have problems with having just one. 

so the last few days i have been napping a lot and i feel that eventually when the meds sort themselves out in a month or so and i up the dosage to 20mg i will cease my napping as long as i do not fuck it up again by drinking too much while taking them. and this all has zero to do with my depression really. i am not working yet on sorting out why i am so sad so often. the doctor for a decade has recommended also talking to a psych but i just never have. i use the excuse now that i have no money and need to get a job to be able to afford it. yes people have mentioned i could go to a free clinic or any number of other suggestions but i will not until i do.

it has been a while...

hello again me, hello again you...

this is a transcription of a journal entry i wrote (on paper) earlier in the week......

12:39 pm - Tuesday January 21, 2014

i am in starbucks and i took my first lexapro in a long time. i stopped taking it maybe 4 or so months ago (i cannot remember). when i was fired from my last job about 2 years and 6 months ago i eventually became low on money so i thought about trying to wean myself from the pills, no - that is a lie...there was no consideration of a slow gradual comedown. i am not sure of the timing but for a while there i started taking it again. and then i stopped. for the x number of days i was without them i was never well. and i drank excessively to try and make the sad leave or to suffocate it, push it down to the bottom of my pile of worries. happy people have problems but they usually deal with them, i do not. i let my bills lapse. i stopped doing any kind of work around the house. i slept late, woke late, napped often. i ate horribly. i stopped caring about my hygiene, appearance. i marginally stayed in touch with friends. i hardly went out but to drink. i would go from the bed to the front room chair to watch tv then to the bed for a nap then the chair and tv, then sleep. 

i really wasn't crying anymore like i did a year or two ago when diana and i broke up. i had no highs, no mediums, no lows really i was just numb. it became increasingly difficult to feign okayness so it would not make my mom sad. i was hypersensitive and critical of everything; tv commercials, things i heard on the radio, strangers in a coffee shop, my family (thogh i would never confront anyone). i became a touchy prick with my mom. i internalized anger throughout the day and had to often send myself to my room to decompress. i lashed inwards with a barely contained rage and disgust for everything including myself. and there seemed no sort of end.