it has been a while...

hello again me, hello again you...

this is a transcription of a journal entry i wrote (on paper) earlier in the week......

12:39 pm - Tuesday January 21, 2014

i am in starbucks and i took my first lexapro in a long time. i stopped taking it maybe 4 or so months ago (i cannot remember). when i was fired from my last job about 2 years and 6 months ago i eventually became low on money so i thought about trying to wean myself from the pills, no - that is a lie...there was no consideration of a slow gradual comedown. i am not sure of the timing but for a while there i started taking it again. and then i stopped. for the x number of days i was without them i was never well. and i drank excessively to try and make the sad leave or to suffocate it, push it down to the bottom of my pile of worries. happy people have problems but they usually deal with them, i do not. i let my bills lapse. i stopped doing any kind of work around the house. i slept late, woke late, napped often. i ate horribly. i stopped caring about my hygiene, appearance. i marginally stayed in touch with friends. i hardly went out but to drink. i would go from the bed to the front room chair to watch tv then to the bed for a nap then the chair and tv, then sleep. 

i really wasn't crying anymore like i did a year or two ago when diana and i broke up. i had no highs, no mediums, no lows really i was just numb. it became increasingly difficult to feign okayness so it would not make my mom sad. i was hypersensitive and critical of everything; tv commercials, things i heard on the radio, strangers in a coffee shop, my family (thogh i would never confront anyone). i became a touchy prick with my mom. i internalized anger throughout the day and had to often send myself to my room to decompress. i lashed inwards with a barely contained rage and disgust for everything including myself. and there seemed no sort of end.