before the new year happens...

things i will miss in 2011...

2009 new year's eve, diana's oldest son tristian fell asleep on my aunt's couch..their first time in the snow..mancos, colorado...

 

jaiden, diana's youngest at the wal mart in cortez, colorado.....

getting woken up early in the morning by jaiden crawling into bed with diana and i.....

falling asleep on my cousin's couch..while jaiden frolicked.......

going to story time with diana and the kids..watching them in a bouncehouse.....

seeing her all foxy and happy in a dress......

going out to eat...

watching her with her kids and that sort of joy...

watching the kids color..taking them out to the park....

us...



and i am going to feel like this for a long time..

tired of being tired - let's face it i'm kaput!

so do i be one of those guys who complains about his relationship and keeps saying the day is coming soon when i break up with her....and never do......he actually gets laid after a month and a half or two and changes his mind because..after all.....she does care enough to be intimate....or..is it that she just wants me to shut the fuck up and the best way she knows how is to put her vagina in my mouth.....

ok let's do the pros and cons here....

pros:

i have known her for about 26 years....we have had a long friendship
she was kind to me in the beginning, tender and desirous of me
she has a good head for practical life things, having been married once
she cares deeply for her kids, seems to have an inexhaustible well of patience, kindness and love for them
she has a headstrong drive and great work ethic
she reads books and is an intelligent woman
she is very pretty
she has a great body and is a wonderful fuck


cons:

i have known her for about 26 years....we have had a long friendship - and i think we may have fucked that up by making it more than just that, we fell quickly into sex...

she was kind to me in the beginning, tender and desirous of me - but she hasn't been that way for about a year now

she has a good head for practical life things, having been married once - she has a low tolerance for things that are not clean and orderly - i am not clean and orderly - she wants to get engaged and wants to know why i am taking so long - she will not move in with me if she is not engaged.....

she cares deeply for her kids, seems to have an inexhaustible well of patience, kindness and love for them - this is admirable to me, however - i also feel a deep pull and need to have a kid...and in the beginning she and i talked about it and she said it was doable...talked to her gyno....in vitro whatever...then as time went by and things went stale she went from maybe to maybe not then probably not then definitely not...and i find this very unfair and hurtful. another thing is that she refuses to ask her ex for child support and a few times she has actually cried in my arms over how bad her money situation was...and she gets angry at me for bringing it up and refuses to discuss it...and she seems sometimes to be careless with my feelings towards them....how i want to be a part of their life.....example - on father's day not acknowledging one bit my role in their life.....but making the effort for them to talk to their father who had not seen them in over three years and now only sees them maybe once or twice a year........she cares for her children at the exclusion of her boyfriend and sometimes of her own health and well being.....there seems to be no balance....1. her kids 2. her parents 3. herself 4. her work 5. maybe me

she has a headstrong drive and great work ethic - i admire this but again it is to the exclusion of me....in the beginning she would take part of the day off to come over and fuck me....go to eat..take a nap with me etc....she would take more time off so we could travel, etc....i honestly cannot remember the last time she did this.....now..when she has every other friday off she uses that day to fix her car...run errands..etc....whereas in the beginning she spent just about every friday morning with me....we made it happen...several times a week.....and then about a year or so ago the relationship fell into this thing where we would hang out thursday nights after she had the kids in bed...and just maybe on the weekends. and then a year ago it fell further apart....we would see one another maybe three times a month...we would fuck maybe once every month...a few times it went to 2 months...then a few months ago three weeks went bye when we did not see one another at all..and when i say all of this i say it knowing that it is NOT me that is putting these parameters on the relationship...i am very available and open to her...and she does have her time..she just no longer cares to spend it with me...she furthers herself from me.....and then it builds up...and then she will come over and sit there....and any suggestions of intimacy i suggest are squashed....and my resentment builds up...about 3 months ago i simply stopped complaining...stopped bringing up that i was sad, stressed and angry about us.......i did it and waited for her to bring things up..and waited..and waited....and sat there many times in restaurants with her, tearing up because she just HAD to know i was sad and would not do anything to help me.....she would sit there mute...just staring or falling asleep..she fell asleep often when she came to visit or i would visit her at her house...and yes i know she is a busy woman...but fucking hell....find some iota of time for your man.....text him to tell him you miss his hands...text him and tell him you want to fall asleep with him...call him and whisper sweet nothings instead of talking nonstop about your children and your frustrations...believe me...i am very attentive to your issues..but after not seeing me for 3 weeks and the first thing out of your mouth is how frustrating things with your kids are....and not asking how i was the whole day?...........man that hurt....and i know she is not stupid....i know she knows how to be attentive....so she is actively choosing to be his way with me.

she reads books and is an intelligent woman - she likes fantasy and scifi - nuff said

she is very pretty- no problems here


she has a great body and is a wonderful fuck - when she actually takes the time to be intimate with me. i know everything has a honeymoon period.....but wow...we have been dating for two years and 5 months now...i think the first year was wine and roses...but wow...for a year and a half it was been piss and vinegar.....for about 14 months now the sex has become noticeably less....it went from 3 times a week to once a week to once every two or three weeks to less than once a month...to every two months....and i would bring it up in the beginning and the reasons would be...she's tired..she's busy with the kids..the kids' therapists....her parents....etc...when the fact is that yes..she does all of those things but she used to make it happen....the therapists are the only new thing in her life....and there have been many times we could have made it happen....but she takes no initiation...she doesn't take those opportunities...i have to be the one to ask...and do you know how embarrassing and emasculating it is to have to act like a fawning idiot in order to get laid....to have to ALWAYS be the one to initiate sex?....it is a HORRIBLE feeling...and she even told me once that she HATES HATES HATES it when i initiate sex..so i fucking stopped trying.....and then she never tried past that point......FUCK!...she would when SHE was horny..which to her is maybe once every 40 days....and i am there like a grateful dog....taking any morsel she would give me...and the post coital glow lasted less and less the more i realized that months would pass by when i got any more intimacy...

up the ass


so it is new year's eve...i am at work..and there is an urgency..normally built in to new years....we think of new beginnings...resolutions..revolutions....

we get tired of stasis, of settling..of not having our desires met...of wanting more or wanting different...a change of scenery...a change of heart..a change of mind...

my scenery lately is the bookcase across from my bed..it has been my mute friend for maybe a decade now since i became a sad boy and started sitting on the edge of my bed staring at it...blank and unmovable. that was the first sign of depression, sleeping late and waking up and staring at that bookcase....i have it memorized - the ondaatje and carver, cummings and patchen, spicer and vollmann books in the top middle and left....beneath that black sparrow books...tom clark, reznikoff, cid corman, fielding dawson, william everson - all the pretty textured covers...these ones, for now, are laying supine. underneath those on the bottom shelf i have books of fetish and nude photography, upper left are lp's....below that..lp's....below that..lp's........on top are books of reference....poetry...

but i digress.........

i want to do something so that i never sit on my bed staring blankly at my bookcase again....i want to not be sad.
i want to get off of my antidepressants.....

i want to be loved properly.
annie called... (just kidding...i felt as though my above monologue felt kind of like the opening to annie hall).

so do i start following my resolutions now?....wait..i have to write them first.....at the stroke of midnight the entire world changes and i follow everything i have always wanted to a t.........HAAHAAAAHAHHAAAAA........good one......at the stroke of midnight i will start writing, i will get laid at least once a week.(wow, the old me wanted it 3x a week..this woman of mine has really beaten my desires and my dick into the dirt..)...i will lose weight like magic...i will grow a vegetable garden, i will save money......i will keep my home clean.........HAAHAAAahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH oh my god i cannot WAIT until midnight.......

i feel like i want to embrace the echo and the bunnymen lyric "conquering myself until i see another hurdle approaching"...because all of the things i want and do not have are because of myself...i have grown into this person that allows all of this to happen.

i allow myself to only get fucked once a month
i allow myself to take long naps
i allow myself to live paycheck to paycheck
i allow myself to not write
i allow myself to bitch and complain and whine
i allow myself to introduce..myself....wait..what?

it is not as though i am delusional and saying "on to bigger and better things...." the problem is that i have never been a practical person...really do not know the formula of going from here to there...however, i know too well how to go from here to here....been doing it all my life.

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it gets more sad

so i had not seen the woman for three weeks, we have not been intimate for a month and a half.....we have talked on the phone maybe 3 times in the last 3 weeks....and none of this is my choice.....

last night she came over and i was sitting in my chair in the frontroom...she gave me a kiss but gave me the side of her mouth......i mentioned this and she kissed me again...i told her to sit on my lap.....my others chairs are being reupholstered...i had to ask twice..and she kinda sat there and ...nothing....i then got up and told her i was going to lay down and she was welcome if she wanted......then she said..only for a while......she came in and laid down and we napped for about an hour....then she got up and left..we had plans for breakfast the next morning...


oh.....the next morning...she called me...she was coming over...i showered....put on a record...got dressed...she came in and stood by the door....i told her to come in....and talked to her about some of my records...she said we should go....we had talked before about this mexican resto she had noticed last week.....we talked about some grill we both like.....so on the way to the car she said jaiden (her son) was having cupcakes and cookies with three classes combined...and that we would probably miss it if we went to the aforementioned places...i suggested going to fantastic cafe which was right near the school...kind of a fast food grill place...so she said ok...all the way to the place she talked nonstop about her parent teacher conference that day and how she was upset that tristian (her other kid)....was behind in his writing....she sounded frustrated..i told her it would get better...i told her they needed to give him more support in his iep...i told her she was worrying an awful lot and she raised her voice and said "i knew you wouldn't understand....this is my flesh and blood here.."..then she cried a little......when we got to the cafe i walked in first..left her to her tears....then when we sat down to eat i was tearing up, wiping my eyes...it was hard to eat...she noticed this and stood up and went to the bathroom..put her hand on my shoulder as she passed...i teared up more.....

now i was crying because she hadn't seen me for three whole weeks and she knows i am not happy with things..with not seeing her..with her not being available to me at all......and she did not say a single thing about it....nor did she ask at all how i was.....and it made me sooo sad..that i was sitting here with her.....that she seemed so oblivious to everything...either she did not give a fuck or she was just careless and had not noticed how sad i have been for months now....that she doesn't see it as enough of a problem that for the last year we made love once a month with a few extra thrown in......with no tenderness in between.....she never addresses that........so i can only guess that that arrangement is acceptable to her...and i am sad.....i am so very sad...

and it has been this way for soooo long....i tell her what is wrong..i tell her small things to help fix it...and then....like a broken record i am ......and it is horrible sometimes....i stare at walls...i drink to forget...i tell myself you know what..if she calls i will ignore it...i will not be available to her any more..i will show her how it feels.....and you know what?.....she doesn't notice it...she hasn't said anything about the distance i am purposefully putting between her and i.....because?....i can only guess?....

and i am so sad....


went to jaidens class for a half hour and watched all the kids..jaiden was happy to see me..he said "HI DABID" and it made me happy,..and then it made me sad because.....i know....that eventually i will have to grow a pair and let her go..and in turn...let them go.....which is really a motherfucker....

and i feel like the bad guy for letting her go.......