it gets more sad

so i had not seen the woman for three weeks, we have not been intimate for a month and a half.....we have talked on the phone maybe 3 times in the last 3 weeks....and none of this is my choice.....

last night she came over and i was sitting in my chair in the frontroom...she gave me a kiss but gave me the side of her mouth......i mentioned this and she kissed me again...i told her to sit on my lap.....my others chairs are being reupholstered...i had to ask twice..and she kinda sat there and ...nothing....i then got up and told her i was going to lay down and she was welcome if she wanted......then she said..only for a while......she came in and laid down and we napped for about an hour....then she got up and left..we had plans for breakfast the next morning...


oh.....the next morning...she called me...she was coming over...i showered....put on a record...got dressed...she came in and stood by the door....i told her to come in....and talked to her about some of my records...she said we should go....we had talked before about this mexican resto she had noticed last week.....we talked about some grill we both like.....so on the way to the car she said jaiden (her son) was having cupcakes and cookies with three classes combined...and that we would probably miss it if we went to the aforementioned places...i suggested going to fantastic cafe which was right near the school...kind of a fast food grill place...so she said ok...all the way to the place she talked nonstop about her parent teacher conference that day and how she was upset that tristian (her other kid)....was behind in his writing....she sounded frustrated..i told her it would get better...i told her they needed to give him more support in his iep...i told her she was worrying an awful lot and she raised her voice and said "i knew you wouldn't understand....this is my flesh and blood here.."..then she cried a little......when we got to the cafe i walked in first..left her to her tears....then when we sat down to eat i was tearing up, wiping my eyes...it was hard to eat...she noticed this and stood up and went to the bathroom..put her hand on my shoulder as she passed...i teared up more.....

now i was crying because she hadn't seen me for three whole weeks and she knows i am not happy with things..with not seeing her..with her not being available to me at all......and she did not say a single thing about it....nor did she ask at all how i was.....and it made me sooo sad..that i was sitting here with her.....that she seemed so oblivious to everything...either she did not give a fuck or she was just careless and had not noticed how sad i have been for months now....that she doesn't see it as enough of a problem that for the last year we made love once a month with a few extra thrown in......with no tenderness in between.....she never addresses that........so i can only guess that that arrangement is acceptable to her...and i am sad.....i am so very sad...

and it has been this way for soooo long....i tell her what is wrong..i tell her small things to help fix it...and then....like a broken record i am ......and it is horrible sometimes....i stare at walls...i drink to forget...i tell myself you know what..if she calls i will ignore it...i will not be available to her any more..i will show her how it feels.....and you know what?.....she doesn't notice it...she hasn't said anything about the distance i am purposefully putting between her and i.....because?....i can only guess?....

and i am so sad....


went to jaidens class for a half hour and watched all the kids..jaiden was happy to see me..he said "HI DABID" and it made me happy,..and then it made me sad because.....i know....that eventually i will have to grow a pair and let her go..and in turn...let them go.....which is really a motherfucker....

and i feel like the bad guy for letting her go.......