up the ass


so it is new year's eve...i am at work..and there is an urgency..normally built in to new years....we think of new beginnings...resolutions..revolutions....

we get tired of stasis, of settling..of not having our desires met...of wanting more or wanting different...a change of scenery...a change of heart..a change of mind...

my scenery lately is the bookcase across from my bed..it has been my mute friend for maybe a decade now since i became a sad boy and started sitting on the edge of my bed staring at it...blank and unmovable. that was the first sign of depression, sleeping late and waking up and staring at that bookcase....i have it memorized - the ondaatje and carver, cummings and patchen, spicer and vollmann books in the top middle and left....beneath that black sparrow books...tom clark, reznikoff, cid corman, fielding dawson, william everson - all the pretty textured covers...these ones, for now, are laying supine. underneath those on the bottom shelf i have books of fetish and nude photography, upper left are lp's....below that..lp's....below that..lp's........on top are books of reference....poetry...

but i digress.........

i want to do something so that i never sit on my bed staring blankly at my bookcase again....i want to not be sad.
i want to get off of my antidepressants.....

i want to be loved properly.
annie called... (just kidding...i felt as though my above monologue felt kind of like the opening to annie hall).

so do i start following my resolutions now?....wait..i have to write them first.....at the stroke of midnight the entire world changes and i follow everything i have always wanted to a t.........HAAHAAAAHAHHAAAAA........good one......at the stroke of midnight i will start writing, i will get laid at least once a week.(wow, the old me wanted it 3x a week..this woman of mine has really beaten my desires and my dick into the dirt..)...i will lose weight like magic...i will grow a vegetable garden, i will save money......i will keep my home clean.........HAAHAAAahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH oh my god i cannot WAIT until midnight.......

i feel like i want to embrace the echo and the bunnymen lyric "conquering myself until i see another hurdle approaching"...because all of the things i want and do not have are because of myself...i have grown into this person that allows all of this to happen.

i allow myself to only get fucked once a month
i allow myself to take long naps
i allow myself to live paycheck to paycheck
i allow myself to not write
i allow myself to bitch and complain and whine
i allow myself to introduce..myself....wait..what?

it is not as though i am delusional and saying "on to bigger and better things...." the problem is that i have never been a practical person...really do not know the formula of going from here to there...however, i know too well how to go from here to here....been doing it all my life.