edited because i seem to have a problem with telling the world every goddamned thing i do

i need my wonderful back, i need that oh yaaaaaaay i used to get when waking....the long nights spent writing..revising.....i need cold air and i need to know i have a spirit again...

i need to feel as though i am worth the air i am breathing...

i asked her to take thursday off.......today she called and said she could not ...she had meetings and appointments for her kids that she needed to use that time off for.....but she said she could come by thursday night......

so...thursday night...i need courage....to do what i should...what if she turns on the tenderness...what if she thrusts forth her ample breasts..i am a stupid man of course....would i be a cad if we had sex and then i broke up with her?..or would that be my only way of getting some sort of immature cosmic revenge ?.......call me flawed..call me an asshole..call me a chauvinist and you would all be right...but a big part of me is angry at how little effort she made to, for lack of a better word, meet my needs....

i am working right now and get off tomorrow at 7:30 am then come back at 2pm then work until 10pm then am off until friday at 2pm....whacky schedule i know...

thursday.......thursday.......we will see

it is the third day of the rest of my life.....

am i blaming my own issues on her and us?....i am feeling energy-less, run down, immovable..ineffectual....also unloved, not handsome, alonely, asexual, ugly...and i thought teenagers had problems...i felt better about me when her and i were getting along...being with her helped me feel better about being with me. is it my fault for relying on her to keep my feelings in check? do we blame ourselves any time we open up and allow our feelings to be affected by someone else? should we always hide our vulnerable parts?....is it so wrong to let go and give parts of us to someone else..and is it also so wrong to be hurt when it goes poorly?..is this the tides of the ocean and the way of the world..?

i feel a bit of a fool..sometimes a larger bit than others...i feel like my feelings are being taken advantage of....but then i tell myself..well hell..it is not as though she is calling you names and fucking other people....but it doesn't have to be that obvious...there is a lack of attention that has been going on for a year or so...and..well..is that enough?....is the lack of physical intimacy enough?..that is up to me and my sense of self.......

oh how part of me does not want to be alone....and more specifically i think she is a great catch..if she would just fix those things that i get sad about.....but she hasn't....and i have told her explicitly what those things were over and over ad nauseum....and she did nothing to make things better....but then again...did i?......are her complaints against me valid?...sure!.....but....she never brings things up unless i absolutely drag it out of her in a tearful upset conversation...she does not like to discuss things...as said before...she will sit there through a meal watching me cry and not say a thing...so does this mean she is waiting for me to self destruct?........she brought it up again lately that we have been dating a long time...and i have not proposed to her...and i think to myself......how on earth does she expect me to propose to her knowing how unhappy i am about the way things are going?.....does she just think that things will work themselves out?.....does she expect me to just pop the question and hope that being married will change everything?......neither of us have any money to move out of our parent's house....if we got engaged..we would still live apart and ...there will be no deus ex machina emanating from the clouds to make her vagina somehow more giving...so getting engaged any time soon would be lame......and i know she does not have an inexhaustible supply of patience..for her kids maybe but not for me......

she seems to be acting as though nothing is wrong....she texts me extremely banal things like "good morning cold rain" or sweet empty nothings like "hey hot lover"....which means nothing when she only fucks me at the end of every third fortnight...and i text her something back equally as banal....and then nothing...she may call me once every 2 weeks driving home from work and we will have an awkward stilted conversation about nothing with plenty of silence.....and then....maybe..just maybe she will come over thursday night between 10:30 and 12:30..but often she will text me at 8:30 and tell me she is too tired to come over...and when by the grace of god she does come over we either say nothing to one another..me seething and her afraid to discuss anything...or we go for coffee and scrabble.....which to tell you the truth..i enjoy a lot..but a relationship it does not make......orrrr....about once every 6 or so weeks we will go to my room...lay there..either she will fall asleep and i will sit there seething ....or i will fumble towards her..and she will brush me off and tell me she is not in the mood..orrrr.....she will say things like "i don't feel like giving you head..but if you want a handjob..."..seriously..who the fuck wants a goddamned handjob after not getting laid for 2 months?.....orrrrrr..i have to make all of these moves..and suckings and fingerings to get her to the point where she is in the mood..and then we make the fuck.....and then after i feel just fine for about 10 minutes until i realize that this isn't going to happen again for a long time and that this was not an act of love or something beautiful nor passionate by any means...it was just her doing the minimum so i would shut the fuck up for another month or so...

i swear some times i just cannot help but think she is trying her least to give me clear mixed signals that she no longer wants me in her life.....no not enough to be blatant about it but.....enough to tease me as if to say...."i know you're not going to leave me....i can do just about anything i want...you haven't left me yet and i have been treating you like a passing acquaintance for a year now..."......

or i do i simply sound like a rambling fat man with low self esteem who still lives with his mom...?

not really how i wanted the new year to start / not a bad new year though...

wasn't expecting to have the night off but i did..and i was prepared to spend it at home..watching reruns of the office.....petting the dogs, cats......and that would have been ok.....however...i was playing words with friends while drinking a just outstanding ipa and taking a just outstanding shit and gus called....that is a story for another time but..we had a falling out...and i missed him though...but the phone hung up because the game was on or something..then andy called me and i answered..he invited me over for steak and beeer and good times.......wow what a long night...great beers, great company....woke up in the morning and kept on drinking....rob came over..and i knew i had made plans to go to indian food with the woman.....and she texted me to ask me when..i told her i was there for a bit more then would come over..i drank more because honestly..i did not know how to feel and i did not want to break up with her over dinner....i was sad...driving to her place.....when i got there i chatted with her kids/family for a while....i actually caught her in the bathroom washing her hands..i went in and closed the door, she looked at me and said "i am soooo not in the mood"...i left......her and i took the kids to my mom's house..dropped them off then went to the indian joint....we were disant...no one else was there....the food was waaaaaay too rich....

and.....while the entree arrived i could not look her in the face and i started crying....then i started weeping..then i excused myself to the bathroom and i started bawling..my hands at my face leaning against the wall..holding my stomach...eventually went back to the table and ate..from time to time she would look at me...and turn away when i looked..i started crying again... ..she said.....nothing at all.....

nothing at all........as i watched our relationship slip further and further away....we rode in silence back to my house....as we got there i motioned to her for us to go nap a bit in my room and she shook her head no.......and then i walked her and the kids out.....they drove away..i went to bed..woke up 2 hours later to go to work....slept right through until this morning......

she just sat there the whole time saying nothing.........this speaks volumes...