it is the third day of the rest of my life.....

am i blaming my own issues on her and us?....i am feeling energy-less, run down, immovable..ineffectual....also unloved, not handsome, alonely, asexual, ugly...and i thought teenagers had problems...i felt better about me when her and i were getting along...being with her helped me feel better about being with me. is it my fault for relying on her to keep my feelings in check? do we blame ourselves any time we open up and allow our feelings to be affected by someone else? should we always hide our vulnerable parts?....is it so wrong to let go and give parts of us to someone else..and is it also so wrong to be hurt when it goes poorly?..is this the tides of the ocean and the way of the world..?

i feel a bit of a fool..sometimes a larger bit than others...i feel like my feelings are being taken advantage of....but then i tell myself..well hell..it is not as though she is calling you names and fucking other people....but it doesn't have to be that obvious...there is a lack of attention that has been going on for a year or so...and..well..is that enough?....is the lack of physical intimacy enough?..that is up to me and my sense of self.......

oh how part of me does not want to be alone....and more specifically i think she is a great catch..if she would just fix those things that i get sad about.....but she hasn't....and i have told her explicitly what those things were over and over ad nauseum....and she did nothing to make things better....but then again...did i?......are her complaints against me valid?...sure!.....but....she never brings things up unless i absolutely drag it out of her in a tearful upset conversation...she does not like to discuss things...as said before...she will sit there through a meal watching me cry and not say a thing...so does this mean she is waiting for me to self destruct?........she brought it up again lately that we have been dating a long time...and i have not proposed to her...and i think to myself......how on earth does she expect me to propose to her knowing how unhappy i am about the way things are going?.....does she just think that things will work themselves out?.....does she expect me to just pop the question and hope that being married will change everything?......neither of us have any money to move out of our parent's house....if we got engaged..we would still live apart and ...there will be no deus ex machina emanating from the clouds to make her vagina somehow more giving...so getting engaged any time soon would be lame......and i know she does not have an inexhaustible supply of patience..for her kids maybe but not for me......

she seems to be acting as though nothing is wrong....she texts me extremely banal things like "good morning cold rain" or sweet empty nothings like "hey hot lover"....which means nothing when she only fucks me at the end of every third fortnight...and i text her something back equally as banal....and then nothing...she may call me once every 2 weeks driving home from work and we will have an awkward stilted conversation about nothing with plenty of silence.....and then....maybe..just maybe she will come over thursday night between 10:30 and 12:30..but often she will text me at 8:30 and tell me she is too tired to come over...and when by the grace of god she does come over we either say nothing to one another..me seething and her afraid to discuss anything...or we go for coffee and scrabble.....which to tell you the truth..i enjoy a lot..but a relationship it does not make......orrrr....about once every 6 or so weeks we will go to my room...lay there..either she will fall asleep and i will sit there seething ....or i will fumble towards her..and she will brush me off and tell me she is not in the mood..orrrr.....she will say things like "i don't feel like giving you head..but if you want a handjob..."..seriously..who the fuck wants a goddamned handjob after not getting laid for 2 months?.....orrrrrr..i have to make all of these moves..and suckings and fingerings to get her to the point where she is in the mood..and then we make the fuck.....and then after i feel just fine for about 10 minutes until i realize that this isn't going to happen again for a long time and that this was not an act of love or something beautiful nor passionate by any means...it was just her doing the minimum so i would shut the fuck up for another month or so...

i swear some times i just cannot help but think she is trying her least to give me clear mixed signals that she no longer wants me in her life.....no not enough to be blatant about it but.....enough to tease me as if to say...."i know you're not going to leave me....i can do just about anything i want...you haven't left me yet and i have been treating you like a passing acquaintance for a year now..."......

or i do i simply sound like a rambling fat man with low self esteem who still lives with his mom...?