she came over last night a little after ten....she sat down and started crying....and trying to say something...and i said "what....tell me..you want to break up?" and she nodded......and then we talked...she said " i can't live with you"....i told her what was on my mind..various this and thats...she was mostly quiet...there was crying for both of us..........she then told me something a bit baffling....

she said "i know the physical part is over but i just feel like.....i feel that this will be a start to a new friendship.."...i told her "wait..you want us to hang out and be better friends while you still don't fuck me..."?.........i mentioned break up sex and she said she would probably cry the whole time..i said "not a problem"...but she shook her head.....i stared at her at times with a small hatred....she said "i think i am going to regret this".........she stood up..came to hug me while i sat and then left....


i waited until the next day to change my facebook status...

maladjusted - morrissey

On this glorious occasion ... of the splendid defeat

I want to start from
Before the beginning

Loot wine, "Be mine, and
Then let's stay out for the night"

Ride via Parkside
Semi-perilous lives

Jeer the lights in the windows
Of all safe and stable homes

(But wondering then, well what
Could peace of mind be like ?)

Anyway do you want to hear
Our story, or not ?

As the Fulham Road lights
Stretch and invite into the night
From a Stevenage overspill
We'd kill to live around

SW6 - with someone like you
Keep thieves' hours
With someone like you
...As long as it slides

You stalk the house
In a low-cut blouse :
"Oh Christ, another stifled
Friday night !"

And the Fulham Road lights
Stretch and invite into the night

Well, I was fifteen
What could I know ?

When the gulf between
All the things I need
And the things I receive
Is an ancient ocean
Wide, wild, lost, uncrossed

Still I maintain there's nothing
Wrong with you
You do all that you do
Because it's all you can do

Well, I was fifteen
Where could I go ?
With a soul full of loathing
For stinging bureaucracy
Making it anything
Other than easy
For working girls like me

With my hands on my head
I flop on your bed
With a head full of dread
For all I've ever said

Maladjusted, maladjusted
Maladjusted maladjusted
Never to be trusted
Oh, never to be trusted

There's nothing wrong with you, oh
...

have not seen the gal for a week, so tonight i went over before i had to go to work.....i brought over a few things for valentines since i work all day tomorrow...i was there for 13 minutes maybe and it was kinda sad...we sat there..i talked mostly...then asked about her days..she did not say much..we both were tired....and...things ..i dunno.....things just seem.......gone



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no i did not follow through......and all of the feelings that entails.....

am i half a person...i am an entire fool.....am i fish or fowl....am i the captain of this ship when i am on anti-depressants or do they make the decisions for me?.......can i use that as an excuse my entire life to excuse my lifestyle, my habits, my fear of being alone as i grow older...?...am i me?