22 days without lexapro....

i always begin these posts with a huge sigh...... last week were the worst days of dizziness and sleeping....but now my bday is coming up and i am getting to hang out with my momma a lot and oh that makes it better...for a part....in the middle of a day out eating tacos and beer i stare into a void and fix there for too long...and my chest hurts....and all the goodness that was raised by being outside of the house and hanging out w momma disappears...and then i try an focus back on the converstion w momma but it is lost and i have nothing but small smiles, uh huhs and deep sighs....and oh...i am ruining a good day...but i am trying....and often enough trying is not enough...i am drinking again.....i went last night without and that was nice waking up not immediately feeling at a loss.....

often enough when i am out i have an immediate desire to be home in my room with the lights out....i cope by having a beer or so..otherwise it becomes unbearable.... and it is random as fuck...and it makes me feel sorry for the person who happens to be out with me.....

one of the worst things about this depression is passing judgement on other people and having such a negative view towards everything.....finding so many things that annoy me....and for the most part....the things that annoy me about anyone else are things i do myself....the hypocrisy is thick.....my respite is either napping or drinking....the moments of goodness are fleeting...there is zero joy....it all feels unnatural......smiling because you do not want the person who is with you to be sad or worrisome...