lexapro day 7 or 8 i forget...

i have been napping every day this week but my waking time seems more energetic, not that i am actually doing anything with it. yet. today i left home at 7am and did not come back until about 4pm which was good because it meant i did not nap then. when i got home i napped. but hey! i am writing about this so it is an improvement on before. i think about writing more, which again is an improvement on before. i believe that if i force myself to stay awake and move and do things then it may work. but naps are oh so gorgeous, a great time/life waster though. i am not saving money. i do not have a job. i don't get out much at all. i spend too much time sitting. but i am back on my meds and i need to allow myself to say that counts for something. if i do not start counting my blessing then i will be sad boy again and my life will go nowhere. i need a goal, nothing abstract though like being more happy.

o hello again lexapro!

on day one of taking my meds (lexapro 10mg), one hour after taking it i started feeling very speedy, my brain was darting everywhere noticing all things around me. my heart was beating faster. i found myself often standing in front of things or sitting with my arm in an up position holding something...for maybe half a minute or so. i had to consciously break myself out of whatever revery i was in several times. Over the next few days my heart beat slowed down a bit.

ever since college (1994) i acquired the poor habit of taking naps during the day and staying up very late. and when my depression became an issue (around the time my grandfather died in january of 2001) i started napping even more, longer. i started taking lexapro 2002. i remember in the beginning the meds feeling the same way they do now. i was speedy for a while and then it leveled off. i believe over the years i never gave it a fair chance because i have always been a big drinker and even more so when i was verysad. when i had a job things were better, when i had a girlfriend things were both better and worse depending upon whether we were fighting and/or i was getting laid. after the girlfriend left me it was worse. in a few months it will be two years since her and i broke up. 

 so i started back on the meds at the beginning of this week. i still take naps but i have been for the last 3 or so nights staying up until about 4 or 5 am....partly because i took a long nap and partly because the meds has me all fucked up that way. and also since day one i had to pretty much exhaust myself to get to orgasm. the next time i do it it will be a bit easier and then more easy. (that is how the meds work) but my libido is pretty much shot again (a great side effect). i think about sex and i think about whacking it but i just let it go and i don't bother trying to figure out a way to do either because it seems like too much trouble. lexapro seems to be a great fuck it drug. your mind encounters a problem one second and the next your mind turns to something else. i am not sure it helps you take care of your problems and the things you have been putting off it just seems to help you ignore them. you do not have the presence of mind to be sad. it is another sort of numbness. another reason why i stopped taking it a few months ago or so is because i felt like an automaton and i did not want to be that robot letting some meds run my life. I AM A PERSON WITH MY OWN IMPETUS AND PERSONALLITY!!! i believed i could do it on my own so i stopped cold turkey without telling my doctor. and of course the next few days i was fine (as fine as a depressed alcoholic could be) and then the shitstorm started. the sadder i became the more i drank. 

one of my few drinking buddies, rob kolar, just up and fell off the face of the planet without telling anybody really. he fucked his roommate, another friend he has had since they were young, over and moved out of the house without paying rent and refused contact with him. i used to hang out with him often and drink and bullshit and he was great to talk to...and then for no reason he was.......gone. and that affects a person when they feel they have few people they could really talk to about anything....Since then i have been increasingly aimless (unemployed for about 2.5 years now) not trying to find a job, making money by selling shit on ebay, day drinking nightdrinking always drinking. i believe in the last few years i drank every day with only a few scattered days off in between. i usually kept it to beer mostly malt liquor and high alcohol ipa's and shitty gutter beer and then there were the days and weeks of gin and whiskey. 

about a month ago i was feeling too lightheaded and odd all the time so i decided to lay off the booze. i started taking walks and eating better for a week or so. i layed off the booze for 22 days and then a friend came over and we had a bottle share. we took our time but drank for about 7 or so hours and i felt more tired than i did drunk. the next day i had a shower beer and nothing for the next week until one day i had a real bad toothache so i drank 6 shots of vodka and a hop stoopid then i met holly at the deli where i had 2 big beers and i do not remember much from that time until the next morning when holly told me i kept trying to lick her car. i had a horrible 2 day hangover and have not drank since. i have had no alcohol since starting my meds again and i am wary about starting. i miss the taste of a good ipa but i know i have problems with having just one. 

so the last few days i have been napping a lot and i feel that eventually when the meds sort themselves out in a month or so and i up the dosage to 20mg i will cease my napping as long as i do not fuck it up again by drinking too much while taking them. and this all has zero to do with my depression really. i am not working yet on sorting out why i am so sad so often. the doctor for a decade has recommended also talking to a psych but i just never have. i use the excuse now that i have no money and need to get a job to be able to afford it. yes people have mentioned i could go to a free clinic or any number of other suggestions but i will not until i do.

it has been a while...

hello again me, hello again you...

this is a transcription of a journal entry i wrote (on paper) earlier in the week......

12:39 pm - Tuesday January 21, 2014

i am in starbucks and i took my first lexapro in a long time. i stopped taking it maybe 4 or so months ago (i cannot remember). when i was fired from my last job about 2 years and 6 months ago i eventually became low on money so i thought about trying to wean myself from the pills, no - that is a lie...there was no consideration of a slow gradual comedown. i am not sure of the timing but for a while there i started taking it again. and then i stopped. for the x number of days i was without them i was never well. and i drank excessively to try and make the sad leave or to suffocate it, push it down to the bottom of my pile of worries. happy people have problems but they usually deal with them, i do not. i let my bills lapse. i stopped doing any kind of work around the house. i slept late, woke late, napped often. i ate horribly. i stopped caring about my hygiene, appearance. i marginally stayed in touch with friends. i hardly went out but to drink. i would go from the bed to the front room chair to watch tv then to the bed for a nap then the chair and tv, then sleep. 

i really wasn't crying anymore like i did a year or two ago when diana and i broke up. i had no highs, no mediums, no lows really i was just numb. it became increasingly difficult to feign okayness so it would not make my mom sad. i was hypersensitive and critical of everything; tv commercials, things i heard on the radio, strangers in a coffee shop, my family (thogh i would never confront anyone). i became a touchy prick with my mom. i internalized anger throughout the day and had to often send myself to my room to decompress. i lashed inwards with a barely contained rage and disgust for everything including myself. and there seemed no sort of end.

hi hello.....bugs are hovering outside...do not know what to do....

is this a relationship journal....i will fill you and me in..

currently.....we play words with friends together...and i am still complaining to her on text...which is pretty much an art in and of......if i let it go she would never really contact me......but i am a small bastard that way.....she.......does not ever need to "talk about it" with her it is over and done.....she has no irrational emotion bone in her body...i have many...which is not her problem i know...

i am still the aforementioned n'er do well.......but i have hope in one hand and my cock in the other...

i have been selling off my grandfather's coins.....which has made me sad.....i have been helping my friend kim and her husband do chores around the house...they have a  year old...greyson...gummy....these have been enough to keep my cell phone bill paid and my booze flowing........

my birthday is in 13 days......whatever that means.....everyone wants to feel special......birthday sex would be nice but that seems waaaay too much of a hassle....and i do not have enough dough for a whore......and i do not have the heart to look up some old standards...not that there are many....they are either taken now or just way too goddamned weird for a try....

i need some human contact....maybe a few hugs will do...dunno....other friends are out there....trying the dating game or.....paying attention to their health or....getting by..........this has to be the oddest spot i have ever been in..........it could be sweet seeing how it fleshes out.......or it could be self shittiness......

i want to make sweet fuck with arabelle raphaelle.....because she seems to be the most attractive...gorgeous....voluptuous goddess around....and i can make that happen.....it is all a matter of knowing how to add.......

saving graces on my life right now.....mark lemmerman......rob kolar.......beer and booze.....my naps....my momma....ideas about the future....

mcdonald's french goddamned fries

drinking late into the night.....

oh meo

w


?

Friday September 07, 2012

 

 

a bomb upon the ceiling, she said...your disdain in my mouth i said. we were never a satisfied equation. i was the bomb, i was not an improving thing. she was a disproving thing. the ceiling is still the same sad place, above all of us. i no longer want to be saved, done with wanting. i will gamble with what comes to breathe the same hello as me, as i. i have been on paynomind for so long. i no longer try. i got the message. i don't want to reconfigure my path just to arrive at the same plane of frustration. i am not waiting for you. silly enough: i am waiting for me. i flower. don't think that i do not. i am not brave nor waving banners, no manifesto here. certainly no womanifesto. where i laid my head once is no longer available, my comfort is atomised. i hide my giveashit behind disobriety. my arms no longer hold anything worthwhile, my hands are dumb with ghosted breasts, mocking blindly curves that they used to understand as kind. i wanted to be somebody's honey and now i am my own vinegar. i will unsimply relearn again what it is to be single. i need to change from the wastrel i am now into something other. maybe what i was before i met you. maybe i need to change what i wanted to be. maybe i will start becoming again. i have this itching feeling that life should be about meeting goals, about being kinda happy. i cannot remember the last time i had a genuine smile on my face for more than fifteen minutes. it used to be i was happiest when i forgot my ex but now i am happiest when i forget me. you seemed to be a pathway away from what ailed me. for a while you were just that. then you became what ailed me. i spend my time in the pool drinking and listening to billie holiday, sometimes crying. i should just get over it, yeah i should. i foolishly stayed in the bowling league to keep us proximitous but i know now that was silly. no amount of you seeing me is going to change what was wrong between us. no leap on your part nor miracle on mine will make things kosher, palatable, forgiven. my god the vinegar i still have in me towards you. in the songs the lover usually comes back. it doesn't mention the irreconcilable things. the broken trust, the nights since parting weeping your aches out, the lowest esteem. i will stuff it all down with more disdain and bourbon and bad beer and sad songs. my triggers these days are many and close together. you never told me the disequation that finally ended us, never told me the small paragraph of what went wrong. though it was better left unsaid, i wanted a rosetta stone for out demise, i wanted to not be dumb numbed on a random friday at 5:37 pm in my swimming pool. my tears will be chlorinated. i may have the cleanest asshole in the world but my head is nowhere near being right. i am tangled up in blues. i am concentrated regret. this will be the saddest thing i will write. i simply cannot keep up this level of oh no. it affects the dogs when i sleep in late, it affects the cats when i hardly pet them any more. and my friends seem to be becoming more few, further between. i don't demand nor command them to be there for me but fuck it would be nice if they were around to notice, to comfort with beer and stupid jokes. this shows me that i need to rely more on myself, but that sounds like such a godawful far away thing. something i cannot now comprehend. what good has come from ever knowing you? i am not being annihilation man here, i am just trying to figure out the capacity of the heart to regrow after an attack. whether to bother to try again or whether to follow the tombstone words of bukowski. if i were to be good with the words then maybe i would care not one fuck about being good with the womens. my words were what used to sustain me, but not for along time. in the pouring rain in a yogurt shop across from city lights you fell asleep on me.

Wednesday January 09, 2013

 

 

i have been single for about 9 months now. stayed in vegas a few days with her for the bowling tournament. broke down and told her i still had feelings for her. that didn't go anywhere. when we got back we hardly spoke. she came over once when i had a bbq for my visiting good friend mark. then that was it...she did not call or text.....i was the one to text first.....which was something i did not like about the relationship..i was always the one to initiate.... and here i am still bothered by all of this. i texted her christmas greetings...and she texted back.....
i never know what is going on in her mind. i never really new. and now that an almost year has passed..i am still the same person she dumped. i would still be cause for termination...and she....well...i bet the same faults would be there too. so why am i pining?....oh why am i ?....because...i miss the bitch...i miss the good times..not so much the hurt.....and i do have dreams of long lasting...just not real valid smart ones....love at first sight may be poetic and all but if one of those is an unemployed fat alcoholic who lives with his mother....then chances are things will be difficult to work out....i shouldn't try to visit myself upon anyone the way i am right now. and she..well.....her kids are her life and i just did not seem to fit in at all. i am a low life. i do not mind not flushing the toilet for a few days..i do not mind smelling....i like staying up late drinking...i do not mind not washing after an orgasm. i want the spontaneous fuck. i want head when i want it. i want to not feel guilty about doing the occasional drug....i want to adore and help and love without having to try so goddamned much..without bullshit..what exactly did she want of me that she did not want in the beginning of us?..........am i pining because i was dumped?......my natural response was to act blase then to save me from hurt......but then of course i drank my sads away...maybe i wanted/want her to save me. we had tender times....but i also felt as sad as fuck sitting right next to her.
and what would i do with her if she came back? ruin it again, be sad again...
when does one let go?..when does one fight for love like a goddamned teenaged smiths fan?...is there a numerical age?.....am i single for good now?...should i bother trying again..or just let it go?....she needs her a man with a good job and a stable life to be there for her and the kids...i am not that man.........she needs a man who she doesn't have to give too much attention to. i am not that man. the sex was good...best i had...but i feel i had to play games to get it.....
we were good friends in high school.....lost track after jc....then came together for 4 years.....and now...just about strangers..we would be strangers if i did not initiate contact....i really don't want to be friend friends again..sitting in coffeehouses with her looking at her....talking about life........i want to be her lover again.....don't grown up grown ups have sex and deal with it....i could be her friend if she was fucking me......otherwise i would just weep when we hung out...
i gave up the possibility of having a kid of my own for her.....i would love to have been a father to jaiden and tristian...but not like she was treating me...and now i have regret. this big lump of regret in my hand, this big lump of sad in my throat...and i get it from time to time..mostly by listening to sad songs.......joni mitchell...a letter to elise from the cure......and i know she has a heart....the last time i broke up with her she cried and told me some story about dreaming about reindeer or unicorns or some shit and how it meant we were destined.....and then the palm reader story....how i fit the description told to her by the palm reader of who she would end up with...i am not one to prove a palm reader wrong but...here i am and there (wherever) is her. i never felt as though she really believed in me beyond the good times...she never was a talker..never explained the intricacies of her to me.
and here i am with empty hands and she is asleep with empty hands and i think she is just fine with that. i wouldn't know otherwise because she doesn't pay any attention to me.

in the pool...

i have a dr's appt tomorrow at 3pm...i had to make this one because my meds were out and the dr only allowed me a 10pill refill until i made an appointment. seeing as though i will have her ear and attention i though it best to use it wisely. i will tell myself here what i will tell her there (forthemostpart).

The lexapro is no longer working for me, i think. And when i go without them because there are none left and i do not have the money for a refill i get worried. if i go for a few days i am okay but on that third day i start to feel odd and i know how it will go so i drink to get me through the days until i have my pills again. then i start feeling lopsided and wonky. i am not steady on my feet. life seems fuzzy, my brain...i cannot focus and i become short with people and try my best to not be around them. this is even in the morning or on days i do not drink. i feel as though i have little or no energy and also i feel anxiety upon having to get out of bed in the mornings as well as during the day...and when i feel anxiety during the day i go into my room and lay down on my bed and play sudoku on my phone over and over for an hour or so. sometimes i then fall asleep until the next morning or i will go back into the frontroom and go on my computer for a few hours also watching tv. i often feel listless and sad about money, relationship stuff...lack of a job..but i really feel immobile as to what to do about it. i feel as though i have no happiness in my day so i sleep to avoid it. small things make me overly sad but also big things really do not affect me like they should. i feel numb often to things in my life and the world in general. i seem to have the ability to turn off feelings easily. but i cannot turn on anything other than apathy.
     from what i remember about the arc of my history with lexapro is that in the beginning it felt like a godsend..i had so much energy and i was up and doing things about the house. i was writing more and reading more, going out more. and then it waned...i believe my dosage was doubled and that helped for a bit...and then the waning...tried wellbutrin for a short spell and that scared me because it felt too speedy...then back on the lexapro...tried a nutritional class for a few days/..that was nice but nothing i stuck to. talked about seeing a psychiatrist..then i became unemployed....then i became single.... then my aunt died and i saw my momma take care of a lot of the arrangements and it became a big emotional drain for her..and seeing her like that made me feel more manic but still..it did not drive me to do anything about it really. i feel something is holding me back, like i am stuck.
     i feel as though lexapro made me, emotionally, what i am today...i no longer sit on the edge of my bed at 4 in the morning staring at my bookcases....but i do lay in bed, sleepless until 5am or so playing sudoku. i need a lifestyle change of course we both know that. but i also need a meds change. i also wanted to know if you think i am healthy enough to go on a juice fast for 30 days.