before the new year happens...

things i will miss in 2011...

2009 new year's eve, diana's oldest son tristian fell asleep on my aunt's couch..their first time in the snow..mancos, colorado...

 

jaiden, diana's youngest at the wal mart in cortez, colorado.....

getting woken up early in the morning by jaiden crawling into bed with diana and i.....

falling asleep on my cousin's couch..while jaiden frolicked.......

going to story time with diana and the kids..watching them in a bouncehouse.....

seeing her all foxy and happy in a dress......

going out to eat...

watching her with her kids and that sort of joy...

watching the kids color..taking them out to the park....

us...



and i am going to feel like this for a long time..

tired of being tired - let's face it i'm kaput!

so do i be one of those guys who complains about his relationship and keeps saying the day is coming soon when i break up with her....and never do......he actually gets laid after a month and a half or two and changes his mind because..after all.....she does care enough to be intimate....or..is it that she just wants me to shut the fuck up and the best way she knows how is to put her vagina in my mouth.....

ok let's do the pros and cons here....

pros:

i have known her for about 26 years....we have had a long friendship
she was kind to me in the beginning, tender and desirous of me
she has a good head for practical life things, having been married once
she cares deeply for her kids, seems to have an inexhaustible well of patience, kindness and love for them
she has a headstrong drive and great work ethic
she reads books and is an intelligent woman
she is very pretty
she has a great body and is a wonderful fuck


cons:

i have known her for about 26 years....we have had a long friendship - and i think we may have fucked that up by making it more than just that, we fell quickly into sex...

she was kind to me in the beginning, tender and desirous of me - but she hasn't been that way for about a year now

she has a good head for practical life things, having been married once - she has a low tolerance for things that are not clean and orderly - i am not clean and orderly - she wants to get engaged and wants to know why i am taking so long - she will not move in with me if she is not engaged.....

she cares deeply for her kids, seems to have an inexhaustible well of patience, kindness and love for them - this is admirable to me, however - i also feel a deep pull and need to have a kid...and in the beginning she and i talked about it and she said it was doable...talked to her gyno....in vitro whatever...then as time went by and things went stale she went from maybe to maybe not then probably not then definitely not...and i find this very unfair and hurtful. another thing is that she refuses to ask her ex for child support and a few times she has actually cried in my arms over how bad her money situation was...and she gets angry at me for bringing it up and refuses to discuss it...and she seems sometimes to be careless with my feelings towards them....how i want to be a part of their life.....example - on father's day not acknowledging one bit my role in their life.....but making the effort for them to talk to their father who had not seen them in over three years and now only sees them maybe once or twice a year........she cares for her children at the exclusion of her boyfriend and sometimes of her own health and well being.....there seems to be no balance....1. her kids 2. her parents 3. herself 4. her work 5. maybe me

she has a headstrong drive and great work ethic - i admire this but again it is to the exclusion of me....in the beginning she would take part of the day off to come over and fuck me....go to eat..take a nap with me etc....she would take more time off so we could travel, etc....i honestly cannot remember the last time she did this.....now..when she has every other friday off she uses that day to fix her car...run errands..etc....whereas in the beginning she spent just about every friday morning with me....we made it happen...several times a week.....and then about a year or so ago the relationship fell into this thing where we would hang out thursday nights after she had the kids in bed...and just maybe on the weekends. and then a year ago it fell further apart....we would see one another maybe three times a month...we would fuck maybe once every month...a few times it went to 2 months...then a few months ago three weeks went bye when we did not see one another at all..and when i say all of this i say it knowing that it is NOT me that is putting these parameters on the relationship...i am very available and open to her...and she does have her time..she just no longer cares to spend it with me...she furthers herself from me.....and then it builds up...and then she will come over and sit there....and any suggestions of intimacy i suggest are squashed....and my resentment builds up...about 3 months ago i simply stopped complaining...stopped bringing up that i was sad, stressed and angry about us.......i did it and waited for her to bring things up..and waited..and waited....and sat there many times in restaurants with her, tearing up because she just HAD to know i was sad and would not do anything to help me.....she would sit there mute...just staring or falling asleep..she fell asleep often when she came to visit or i would visit her at her house...and yes i know she is a busy woman...but fucking hell....find some iota of time for your man.....text him to tell him you miss his hands...text him and tell him you want to fall asleep with him...call him and whisper sweet nothings instead of talking nonstop about your children and your frustrations...believe me...i am very attentive to your issues..but after not seeing me for 3 weeks and the first thing out of your mouth is how frustrating things with your kids are....and not asking how i was the whole day?...........man that hurt....and i know she is not stupid....i know she knows how to be attentive....so she is actively choosing to be his way with me.

she reads books and is an intelligent woman - she likes fantasy and scifi - nuff said

she is very pretty- no problems here


she has a great body and is a wonderful fuck - when she actually takes the time to be intimate with me. i know everything has a honeymoon period.....but wow...we have been dating for two years and 5 months now...i think the first year was wine and roses...but wow...for a year and a half it was been piss and vinegar.....for about 14 months now the sex has become noticeably less....it went from 3 times a week to once a week to once every two or three weeks to less than once a month...to every two months....and i would bring it up in the beginning and the reasons would be...she's tired..she's busy with the kids..the kids' therapists....her parents....etc...when the fact is that yes..she does all of those things but she used to make it happen....the therapists are the only new thing in her life....and there have been many times we could have made it happen....but she takes no initiation...she doesn't take those opportunities...i have to be the one to ask...and do you know how embarrassing and emasculating it is to have to act like a fawning idiot in order to get laid....to have to ALWAYS be the one to initiate sex?....it is a HORRIBLE feeling...and she even told me once that she HATES HATES HATES it when i initiate sex..so i fucking stopped trying.....and then she never tried past that point......FUCK!...she would when SHE was horny..which to her is maybe once every 40 days....and i am there like a grateful dog....taking any morsel she would give me...and the post coital glow lasted less and less the more i realized that months would pass by when i got any more intimacy...

up the ass


so it is new year's eve...i am at work..and there is an urgency..normally built in to new years....we think of new beginnings...resolutions..revolutions....

we get tired of stasis, of settling..of not having our desires met...of wanting more or wanting different...a change of scenery...a change of heart..a change of mind...

my scenery lately is the bookcase across from my bed..it has been my mute friend for maybe a decade now since i became a sad boy and started sitting on the edge of my bed staring at it...blank and unmovable. that was the first sign of depression, sleeping late and waking up and staring at that bookcase....i have it memorized - the ondaatje and carver, cummings and patchen, spicer and vollmann books in the top middle and left....beneath that black sparrow books...tom clark, reznikoff, cid corman, fielding dawson, william everson - all the pretty textured covers...these ones, for now, are laying supine. underneath those on the bottom shelf i have books of fetish and nude photography, upper left are lp's....below that..lp's....below that..lp's........on top are books of reference....poetry...

but i digress.........

i want to do something so that i never sit on my bed staring blankly at my bookcase again....i want to not be sad.
i want to get off of my antidepressants.....

i want to be loved properly.
annie called... (just kidding...i felt as though my above monologue felt kind of like the opening to annie hall).

so do i start following my resolutions now?....wait..i have to write them first.....at the stroke of midnight the entire world changes and i follow everything i have always wanted to a t.........HAAHAAAAHAHHAAAAA........good one......at the stroke of midnight i will start writing, i will get laid at least once a week.(wow, the old me wanted it 3x a week..this woman of mine has really beaten my desires and my dick into the dirt..)...i will lose weight like magic...i will grow a vegetable garden, i will save money......i will keep my home clean.........HAAHAAAahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH oh my god i cannot WAIT until midnight.......

i feel like i want to embrace the echo and the bunnymen lyric "conquering myself until i see another hurdle approaching"...because all of the things i want and do not have are because of myself...i have grown into this person that allows all of this to happen.

i allow myself to only get fucked once a month
i allow myself to take long naps
i allow myself to live paycheck to paycheck
i allow myself to not write
i allow myself to bitch and complain and whine
i allow myself to introduce..myself....wait..what?

it is not as though i am delusional and saying "on to bigger and better things...." the problem is that i have never been a practical person...really do not know the formula of going from here to there...however, i know too well how to go from here to here....been doing it all my life.

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it gets more sad

so i had not seen the woman for three weeks, we have not been intimate for a month and a half.....we have talked on the phone maybe 3 times in the last 3 weeks....and none of this is my choice.....

last night she came over and i was sitting in my chair in the frontroom...she gave me a kiss but gave me the side of her mouth......i mentioned this and she kissed me again...i told her to sit on my lap.....my others chairs are being reupholstered...i had to ask twice..and she kinda sat there and ...nothing....i then got up and told her i was going to lay down and she was welcome if she wanted......then she said..only for a while......she came in and laid down and we napped for about an hour....then she got up and left..we had plans for breakfast the next morning...


oh.....the next morning...she called me...she was coming over...i showered....put on a record...got dressed...she came in and stood by the door....i told her to come in....and talked to her about some of my records...she said we should go....we had talked before about this mexican resto she had noticed last week.....we talked about some grill we both like.....so on the way to the car she said jaiden (her son) was having cupcakes and cookies with three classes combined...and that we would probably miss it if we went to the aforementioned places...i suggested going to fantastic cafe which was right near the school...kind of a fast food grill place...so she said ok...all the way to the place she talked nonstop about her parent teacher conference that day and how she was upset that tristian (her other kid)....was behind in his writing....she sounded frustrated..i told her it would get better...i told her they needed to give him more support in his iep...i told her she was worrying an awful lot and she raised her voice and said "i knew you wouldn't understand....this is my flesh and blood here.."..then she cried a little......when we got to the cafe i walked in first..left her to her tears....then when we sat down to eat i was tearing up, wiping my eyes...it was hard to eat...she noticed this and stood up and went to the bathroom..put her hand on my shoulder as she passed...i teared up more.....

now i was crying because she hadn't seen me for three whole weeks and she knows i am not happy with things..with not seeing her..with her not being available to me at all......and she did not say a single thing about it....nor did she ask at all how i was.....and it made me sooo sad..that i was sitting here with her.....that she seemed so oblivious to everything...either she did not give a fuck or she was just careless and had not noticed how sad i have been for months now....that she doesn't see it as enough of a problem that for the last year we made love once a month with a few extra thrown in......with no tenderness in between.....she never addresses that........so i can only guess that that arrangement is acceptable to her...and i am sad.....i am so very sad...

and it has been this way for soooo long....i tell her what is wrong..i tell her small things to help fix it...and then....like a broken record i am ......and it is horrible sometimes....i stare at walls...i drink to forget...i tell myself you know what..if she calls i will ignore it...i will not be available to her any more..i will show her how it feels.....and you know what?.....she doesn't notice it...she hasn't said anything about the distance i am purposefully putting between her and i.....because?....i can only guess?....

and i am so sad....


went to jaidens class for a half hour and watched all the kids..jaiden was happy to see me..he said "HI DABID" and it made me happy,..and then it made me sad because.....i know....that eventually i will have to grow a pair and let her go..and in turn...let them go.....which is really a motherfucker....

and i feel like the bad guy for letting her go.......

yesterday and the day before i was just so goddamned sad off and on...

i drank both days which may have something to do with it...and also....i have not seen the woman for 15 days now..and we haven't had the sex for 5 weeks now....she either has an excuse or simply doesn't call to come over...and this makes me sad......she called today and we talked....i was dying inside...furious that she had a normal conversation with me knowing how long we had been apart and not saying anything about it...she asked how i was..how was my day etc....and i told her i was sad because of us....and....nothing...she knows so very well why i am sad.....and i have told her so many times what upset me.......she pays me no attention...does not make me feel desired...and she tells me the same thing....she is so busy with her kids and work..she does seem to be running herself ragged...but......i dunno......i tell her all it takes is to text me every once in a while sweet things.......even when you are busy i am sure one could take the minute it takes to send a text.....and help me feel needed..... and for christ's sake....to go for more than a month without fucking your man?....

and i could see if you did this once in a while ...i am sure there are marriages where it happens...desires ebb and wax....but her and i are not married.....and this has been happening for a year now.....for a whole year, save a few months when we fucked 2 or 3 times.........we have done it once a month and that is it..and no making out, oral apart from that once........

now she accuses me of making it all about sex....and i tell her if you take sex completely away then it automatically becomes about sex......

and it is not only about sex.......i am sad because i am losing someone and something that used to make me feel good, that used to be good...and it hasn't been good for any length of time for more than a year now

and i am sad because it is going to end, i just don't want to end it during the holidays.....that would be wrong....i am sad enough for now......

it just baffles me that the rare times we talk she seems just fine....as though nothing to her is wrong....it seems as though her method of dealing with me is to let me talk and then just let it go......nothing changes....she lives her life.....texts me good morning, calls maybe a few times a week and beyond that.....nothing......

this is how sadness begins........i am stuck in a circle of meh......and the only way to get out is to get out...

i've been out walking and
i don't do too much talking these days

looking at my earlier posts one would think i was dissatisfied with my current relationship and my life.

i am sitting on the floor at work, zach is in the bathroom brushing his teeth. he is gonna go to bed in maybe an hour or less. he is watching a disney video and i am watching family guy.

i have been thinking about going on a trip soon. i know i am going with diana to sf in january and in april i am visiting ethan in portland......but i am itching for a hotel somewhere far enough away that has a bar near and air conditioning...

sometimes when people are unsure about their future they feel exhilaration about having the whole world open to them...of having no restrictions on their life........and me.....i feel it in a sad way....my stomach hurts when i think about my future.....i get sad because i just don't know what will happen..i wish it were more certain..part of me wishes diana would somehow magically comfort me in the knowledge that we will in fact work out together...i want her to take charge that way...i am  not a man who minds too much being told what to do...

i want a woman who will treat me nicely......let me have a nice beer cellar....leave me alone sometimes and make me feel desired....

oh i have got those deep dissatisfaction blooze......

i bet akon doesn't put up with this kind of shit from his bitches...he fucks AND eats steak ALL THE TIME!!!


so i am at starbucks...it is 10:am-ish....

and once again i need to get this distaste from my brain and body down here so hopefully it well be exorcised/excised...

i cannot say anything has changed for the positive since the last entry...she is sooooo busy and there is no time for me...she is making decisions for her time that do not include me, my needs are not met...we went out to dinner after not seeing each other for a week and she started this retarded argument...she told me she felt as though i took advantage of the situation and was disrespectful when i came over to her house and brought a beer with me and drank it.....what the fuck?.....we argued that round and round...her not wanting to talk about what really was bugging her....her being quiet and saying she did not want to talk about it...me asking questions about what was so harmful about me drinking a beer at her house....i had done it before....so that ruined the time we had together......and then she just kinda let it go as if nothing happened....

and then we did not see one another for another week....she usually, or rather..almost always comes over thursday night but the thurs following our fight....no call, no text....no show...then she told me she would come over another night and just never showed...telling me she fell asleep because she was tired.....no call...etc.....

then she came over a few nights ago late at night, she said she was tired and i told her we could nap...but she kept insisting i get up..i told her i just wanted to nap and she said she did not want to because when she goes to sleep she is out...i told her we could set my alarm...she gave some excuse and left......

then a few days after that she texts me that she was horny........it has now been 23 days since we had sex...and she knows i have been horny...and she has ignored my needs...she actually told me  about a month ago when we were hanging out.."i will have to give you a blow job later because it has been a while"....and of course i got all happy...but after lunch she just dropped me off....with no mention....

and what i have been doing to "deal" with this feeling of inferiority i have because she is paying me no mind.....i have been drinking a lot more to obliterate the thoughts..excuse or not..this is what i have been doing....i have also been thinking of stupid ways to ignore her...to make her see without telling her how much this bothers me.....but i have done this many times before with her...to no avail....and i want to have a normal relationship....one without constant self loathing and fighting.....i don't want peace in the valley or something spectacular..i just want something where i am not sad all of the time.....

i have always thought that bad love was better than no love at all....this is no declaration but...no more....i need some good feelings..i am just way too down lately...and i am not blaming her for all of my troubles...i am just getting constant inattention and constant feelings of not being worthy of her attention..otherwise..why would she be neglecting me like this?

i feel like screaming or bursting into tears here in the middle of starbucks..i can feel the nose get stuffy..the eyes water......i want to overturn a table...

a part of me feels like a giant type pussy for not telling her it is over...even further for not telling her fuck you for wasting my time and my love and attention...when i told her a while ago things were not working out she got scared for maybe a day or so and then she just came back into my life like nothing had happened..and i let her...and that is why that failed.....

what to do.....


i look at the gals going in and out of starbucks and think...one..just ONE of these dozens of gals has to be kind...has to be attentive.....it cannot be that all of them are whack jobs....and then i think it is just me...that i am the cause of everything that is wrong in the relationship....i do not like doubting myself as a hobby,,i don't mind being wrong.l...i just hate feeling like the world is my fault.......and i, for some reason, am not processing all of this very well.......

my throat is closing and i want a beer and a few shots....

"that's how things are when you are dating a woman with children....."

she told me this earlier on the phone....after i told her i had been feeling neglected....only seeing her once this week....and not having any alone time since the 5th of this month....

i told her all it would take if she sent me a text in the middle of the day telling me that she missed me or....the few times we do talk...it would be nice if she told me some sweet things.....not just all of the shit that happened to her that day..of course i always ask her how the day went.....but it would be nice if she told me something sweet for me....something small for my ear...which would take all of three minutes.......three minutes a week...and a text maybe twice a week....

i told her that i never expect to be number one on her list or even two or three...i just would like to be number four every once in a while...

she told me she didn't want to talk about it anymore....after many fat pauses i asked what she wanted to talk about...she said she was grumpy....i asked her if she wanted to talk about why she was grumpy...that is when she told me about dating a woman with kids....and she told me she felt that this was constant, this nagging..and i told her yes..it felt as though i were constantly being neglected...and i told her that i needed to tell her because if i held it in then things would go bad or we would not be together.....she said she didn't want to talk about it...so i said goodbye and she said goodbye...

it is friday night - the 13th....the last time i saw diana was saturday the 7th...tomorrow will be one week...

this is more of a way to remind myself later, my brain clouds sometimes and i cannot hold on to things..

i feel like i am micromanaging my girlfriend by writing down all they ways she gets on my tits.....

i could write down all the ways she makes me smile..but no, i'm not gonna do that right now...

so now i suppose i play the waiting game....how long does a woman who says she loves you go without calling you?.......how often do you have to pull stupid game tricks like not returning her texts to teach her a stupid ass lesson about paying more attention to her?

i am not going to apologize for the following.......nor blame it on the fact that i am a man....

you want to fuck your girlfriend....you hope she wants to fuck you...you do not mind initiating sex but when you do it all the time you feel like she isn't into it...and she tells you in no uncertain terms that she hates it when you initiate sex...well...

i want spontaneous sex, dirty filthy sex.....i will take it as often as i can....i do not expect it at all....i would like it to happen certainly more than never...

ok, so you can't or more likely won't give your boyfriend the child or children you once said you wanted to....and you don't make the effort to make him feel adored......ok then at least, at fucking least...fuck your man.....that just might make him stay..if that is what you want.....sad to hear it said this way but this is blunt....

right now i am disdainful, disillusioned, dissatisfied  and unfucked.....

and you are distant, non responsive and neglectful...

what a retarded place i am in

i am in san diego for another few days...

i just had my first beer in 6 days..i have been off of my anti depressants for about a week and a half..and i sometimes get a little light headed....and i get disdainful,.....and i get calmly pleasant some times...

can i blame my upset at other things in my life on my dearth of meds.......if i were current on my meds would i be ok with the way things are going with the woman..would the serotonin make the neglect somehow better?

i want her to call so i can ignore her call..so she can ask herself....hmm..he has not responded to my last two good morning texts......and my call..i wonder if there was something....oh wait..on the phone a few days ago he told me he was going to be off of work on saturday and all i did was tell him a list of things i had to do that had nothing to do with him...i ignored his desire to be wanted....i neglected his desire to be missed.....


and again, diana is not a retarded woman so it makes me wonder.......either:

her mind is elsewhere...on the kids..on her job..etc....wherein i would understand of course but i would still be sad because i have addressed this many times before.....

she is doing this purposefully because she does not want to be with me.....which would make sense because...well....if you neglect your partner in several ways..and you partner addresses this neglect so that it could be dealt with....and you give it a cursory week or so..and then neglect again in the exact same way..or even new ways...if that happens then it must mean that they are doing it on purpose...because they do not want to be with you because otherwise....if they wanted to be with you they would see that this is causing you emotional and sometimes physical pain..address the neglect..talk to you about it..come to a conclusion about change and put that change into action.....and stick with it..they would not repeat the same neglect over again..they would not take advantage of your good graces and attention and simply let it go..hoping that you would eventually just shut the fuck up and deal with the neglect..deal with not having what you wanted in life...deal with second rate love..deal with never feeling safe....

she.....

you know what?..i am going to just stfu.....i am getting tired of hearing myself whine...

midnight...and i am upset..cannot sleep....been posting lame ass coded references on facebook as to why i am upset..as if the person i am upset at will miraculously go onto facebook (which she does about once every 2 months) see what i have written..decode my anger and then find a way to make it okay again...

in my head after being upset over something yesterday i thought of something old i was upset about that i never dealt with and neither did she....

i want children of my own...and in the beginning of the relationship we talk about it and she said she would be willing ...and this made me happy..i have a very strong drive to have a kid....something i have always thought about..ever since....ever...and to have a kid with this gal, with diana..would be most wonderful because she is a great gal....a good person....

but

as the relationship progressed ..she would slowly withdraw that idea...it went from "i'll talk to the doctor about in vitro, etc.." to "i'm not sure i want to go through pregnancy again.." to "i don't want to have another kid".....

and these retractions came after we were in love..emotional investments...time spent, etc...and i felt stuck....i told myself ok david......she no longer wants something that you told her was very important to you, something that she led you to believe she also wanted......she took that off the table without any discussion...she just matter of factly said that she did not want it anymore.......

and then david being david tells himself...well....i can live my life without..i can live my life unfulfilled....i can go without something i have always wanted very badly....i can do this ...i can do this as long as she ....well..as long as she makes me feel good about me..as long as as she is a good girlfriend otherwise....i can let my dream of being a father go........

so here we come to the subject of ifs........well....i did not want to be alone..so i told myself that things were better than they were when in reality i was lying to myself so i would stay in a relationship i was unhappy in...so i would not be alone......being the (over) honest person i am i showed my discontent often to her...oftentimes it was me telling her what she did to make me sad..and her telling me ok baby i will try....and then her not trying because she was upset at me for not being on that pathway to marriage..or for not losing weight or dressing better.....

we would argue or rather i would argue and nothing would become of it and we would build up resentment to one another...

and then things seemed to get better...i stopped complaining...we no longer talked about having kids...i enjoyed the time i spent with her kids...i became their father away from their father (he is in florida and sees them maybe twice a year.....well..he has for the last 2 years....before that he had not seen either of his kids for about three years.....when i say this i mean it lightly really...when we went on trips i was the disciplinarian....we went places together..i played with them..bought them things...babysat...went to their school functions and their educational meetings...i grew fond of them..love them really....and then another thing happened......maybe something slight to her..but it meant a lot to me.....father's day.......the day went by...the afternoon went by...the night passed..and..nothing...the next day she told me she had them call their dad...and i imagined the smile on his face...their voices filling up the miles between them....their innocence ignorant of his transgressions....

one could tell how much this bothered me because i wrote about it on june 21st of this year....and here i am writing about it again....

where was i?.....oh.....if's.....after the non father's day...i was sadsadsad...but i kept it in and hushed myself.....

and then vegas came ...we both had a wonderful time.....

and things seemed to be fine after vegas...or rather.by "fine" i mean i kept my mouth shut...she fucked me at least once a week but not without telling me first that she was not in the mood... and i never brought up again my longing to have kids of my own...

and then here we are now...something i wrote about yesterday that i cannot shake...

yesterday i called her...i told her that i would be back on saturday after not seeing her for a while week and she started in on a list of things she had to get done then etc...and i was quieted... i waited for her to maybe realize.....and then i told her (yes, i know i am repeating myself...) that one day it would be nice if when i told her i would be back home after a week of not seeing her that she would, with maybe a small bit of enthusiasm, ask me when we could see one another, or tell me she cannot wait to see me..instead of giving me a laundry list of things she needed to get done which have nothing to do with me....

i had decided today to not return her texts or phone calls for the duration of the vacation....and then when i get back let her get in touch with me....and this, i know, is completely retarded, so very immature but i feel like it is the only way i could get her to realize the way she goes about things....

diana is not a stupid woman, on the contrary she is very smart....she is a very good mother...a very kind woman..and she has made me very happy before...but.....i dunno....i feel as though if i do not take care of this now that it will bite me in the ass in the future...

it feels manipulative that i have to outright ignore her to get her to pay attention to me, that is what i consider "playing games"....but this has happened before....and i had to do the same damned thing..and it worked like a charm for a while....and then here we are now...i do not want to keep having to do this throughout my life...just to get some good attention..just to have that peace of mind that i will have good love..long lasting and thoughtful love.....


now here is where i get nasty and say how i feel in a bold and naked way:

if i have to give up the one thing i have always wanted (a child), and if i have to give up this one thing to be with a woman who once told me that she too wanted it, would try......and if i have to give up that one thing to a woman who changed her mind about that one thing i have always wanted..and if i have to give up that one thing i have always wanted to a woman who forgets me on father's day...who is careless about my feelings, who makes me feel like my absence from her for a week is nothing to her...a person who makes me doubt myself......makes me wonder what deficit there is in me that makes her treat me this way..a person who makes me feel flawed and makes me feel as though she is punishing me for those flaws by being careless to me......if if if if if...

if this is the case then i would rather be alone. i do alone just fine, i have had plenty of practice in my life..and when i let myself down i just chalk it up to consistency...

a partner is someone who makes you a better you, who makes you feel secure, safe, loved and adored. right now i do not feel better, i do not feel secure, i do not feel safe and i do not feel loved and i do not feel adored...

security - otis redding sang about it...he said:

Don't want no money right now
I don't want no fame
But security
I have all of these things

and....i feel insecure not because i have low self esteem..but i believe it is because with the way she is treating me that she genuinely does not want to be with me.   if she did then why would she be careless with my feelings..?

safe?....no..i do not feel safe...with these prevailing winds of hers..it seems as though she may drop the bomb on me out of nowhere and at any time....or..more likely..she could continue her odd campaign of love/not love..caring/not caring....ad nauseum...and then where would i be?..i would be a bitter old man who does not love the one i am with and am only with her because i need the eggs...

loved?.....honestly..i do feel loved sometimes...but no..not all the time....i believe that love is one of those things one needs to feel all the time if one is going to bother being in a relationship..because love given is a wonderful thing..as long as it is not ...at irregular intervals...taken away...and if it is...then it is false..it is better to never have been loved at all...


adored?.....only briefly and in very small amounts....i actually felt it about a week or so ago..she was touching me on my arm..looking at me and smiling when i was not looking at her..but that went away when she started this odd habit of telling me several times as i tried to initiate sex that she really wasn't in the mood and that i would have to work at it if i wanted it to happen....this is the last thing you want to hear when you are being intimate with your lover....and no..i do not expect intimacy all the time and i do not expect her to be in the mood often even....though it would be a joyful thing...i just hope that when we do make love that she does not preface it with "i'm really not in the mood for this".....when she said that we had not made love for almost 2 weeks...and i was becoming frisky....she had mentioned before that she hated it when i initiated sex...which is another thing a lover never wants to hear...and if i waited to have sex only when she initiated it then it honestly would happen maybe once a month...if that...i cannot remember the last time she initiated sex...maybe in vegas but before that..i have no idea....so no....i do not feel adored...

so if if if..i am going to have a partner who no longer wants something  she once told me she did..and that something she knows would make me so happy..if i become attached to her children in lieu of having my own and she is careless with my feelings for them, forgetting to acknowledge my role in their lives...forgetting even the smallest gesture of thanks on fathers day or any day for that matter (david like macaroni pictures too)...and if that same woman only seems to begrudgingly fuck me every week or so telling me she is not in the mood..and if that woman doesn't make plans when to see me next after an absence of a week without me having to prompt her of that fact and even then still doesn't make plans...

then that is one woman i would be foolish to stay with, all of the signs she has given me point towards someone who doesn't want to be with me. i am not making this up..all signs point to this...she is not being subtle...oh of course she could shout it from the rooftops but that is not her style...she is, by degrees, withdrawing herself from me, and it is not as if she ever gave herself to me in any significant way really...and in withdrawing herself from me she is taking parts of me with her...i am losing myself..subsuming me into her...and i am becoming useless...

i started my shift here at work (i do overnights and days as a respite care worker for people with developmental disabilities...) sunday at 5pm......i work straight through until saturday at nine am...i am with my client and his momma and her boyfriend in san diego....this is his vacation before school starts up again in a few weeks... i call my girlfriend just before nine pm and we talk...


"so....i get off work nine a.m. saturday.."

"oh...i need to get my car fixed.....etc etc..."

"dot dot dot"

"oh..umm....did you want to maybe do something...?"

"..."

"..."
"baby...i wish one day...when you haven't been able to see me for a whole week and i told you when i was coming home ..i wish you would say something like "oh baby i miss you so much can i see you when you get back?"...and make plans to see me instead of me just telling you when i will get back and you telling me all the things you need to do then..."

"ok baby"

"..."
"..."
"you sound tired love..go to bed, love you"

"love you too"

"..."
"..."

got back last week from las vegas and damned if i didn't have a great time...fuck the heat and the toomuch food bellyache..otherwise it was verynice...

the room was so big and very air conditioned.....

and most wonderfully.....not a disagreement at all with the woman (pictured above)..it was all gravy...

after sitting at the bar playing video poker game for 15 minutes i won $500!!......of course i promptly spent $200 on goddamned chocolate..at the vosges boutique in the ceaser shops...

in the bellagio, their gardens were big!..big ants and bees made from flowers..big pails and shovels....it was superduper.....

this was in a patisserie inside bellagio, oh the pastries!

we ate these near the window overlooking the pool and i wanted to masturbate, what with the chocolate and the bathing suits floating about...





we took our leftovers in a box and by the time we got back to our room, the 114 degree weather turned our leavings to puddles..

 had a much better time than i thought i would watching the blue man group...it was stimulating, drums and colors and audience participation.,.....the woman liked it too....

 this was inside the umm..venetian....so pretty..also inside the venetian we walked by these gals carrying a black blow up doll with a big floppy dick....

we lucked onto this scene.....a ways off the strip near a tapas place we were waiting for a table at...we walked into a cigar/wine star and through the doors in the back we saw these folks..they were playing old jazz stuff.....louis jordan and the likes....we stayed for a glass of wine....then had dinner with my friend nancy and her man...at a place called firefly or something...i dug it, diana dug it....

pt 2 coming when i get off of my asshole

searching and browsing through ebay for items to buy children i do not have...on a non-work day i would have a glass of bourbon in my hand while i was doing this so i could have the whole "sad and regretful about the life decisions i have made/am making" thing going on...

fathers day, father's day

i am not a father and i do not have a father, the only part of this that bothers me tonight is the former...

my girlfriend has two children and has made it clear now that she does not want any more. this is not how the relationship started....we talked about alternative measures (her tubes, tied)....she sounded open to them..even discussed them with her doctor...but as the relationship progressed or rather...regressed..(arguments, disdain) she changed her mind.

for the past two years in our relationship i have been the dominant firm voice of discipline for the kids when we were all together...early on she admitted she had never been firm enough with them...though now she does just fine...they come over to the house, play...we go out to eat, go to the park, bookstores..trips to san diego and colorado, solvang.....i care for them, babysit often enough to give her girl time or when she needs to relax...i read to them, go to their birthday parties, get them gifts when i am thinking of them....

their father lives in another state and had not seen them for three years until he started the past 2 years flying out to visit...three times thus far...he send gifts on birthdays, calls, she lets them call him when the want arises.....he cares for them and i know this because i have known him for many years now off and on, went to junior college with him....the things is that about 5 years ago and before he was unfaithful several times and she forgave him the one time and then he asked her to be in a plural relationship (conversion to the muslim faith on his part) and she divorced him, moved back to the city i live in to live once again with her parents.....

and yesterday being father's day she told me that the kids called him....which of course makes sense...she and he seem to be on great terms speaking whenever the need arises.....and she seems to have just about zero animosity towards him...how..i do not know......

and here i am upset, i wonder if i am allowed to be upset..or rather...does it make any sense for me to be this way..not that feelings always need to be rational but..i just want to know...

i am upset because, well..how do i put this?....because the kids didn't call me or she didn't bring them over or.....? do i have any sort of right to be upset?.......it would have been kind of her to have them call me to say hi or drop by...i know i am not the father....i know this...i just want some recognition...sure their smiles and hugs are most wonderful and make me feel warm....but.......this faraway guy who got her pregnant twice and cheated on her, helped raise the one kid for 3 or so years and the other for several months until he caused the divorce.....this guy gets the call..this guy gets to be the good guy......this guy who sends no child support whatsoever..he gets the love......

now i know kids need to be happy..and i do not begrudge them their father's love......the less they know the happier they are at this point in their life i suppose....i just feel a bit (a lot) lost on the subject...

she knows that i have always wanted a child, it is something i have talked about for as long as i have known her (since junior high)....and i still do......now the problem is that...is my need and want for a child a relationship breaker?......the shitty thing is that in the beginning of this relationship i actually believed that she wanted to try and have kids with me..because she said so.....and then when things went along..i dunno..she changed her mind...i feel as though things were said in the beginning of us that helped me fall in love with her..a woman that wants to have your baby?..heck yes!......and then you fall in love and then...she changes her mind.....it seems and feels like an awful dirty trick........

and here i am 1:02 am, the day after father's day..........wanting...

you can find me if you want me in the garden unless its pouring down with rain..... (what song is that from?)

so i am uplate..the boy i watch is sleeping...and i got restless fingers....i am thinking of beer....good beer....i am also thinking of money.....beer on the brain...

tomorrow i will drink an avery thirteenth anniversary...and i will love stinky earthness....tomorrow i will also do laundry....start another book maybe...

i am at work now, zac is watching tv..it is about 11pm...i got a call from a boss an hour ago asking me to drop by this other client's place at 8:30...he is in a wheelchair with cp, cannot move his legs, arms can move minimally...he is a heavy guy....i will go there in the morning, get him from his bed into a bathroom chair then into his motorized chair...he likes to talk and he is a nice one though not too many of my coworkers seem to get along with him...his wife can get ornery and put her nose everywhere...also he does not put up with any guff and i don't blame him...sometimes lifting his slippery wet body after a shower i think i may drop him but i never have...and i never will...i am careful and i have done this many times before with many others...this is usually a two person lift job but for some reason my company does not take that into consideration...some times he shits his pants and it gets all over and stinks so much i gag...i try my best not to let it show because a lot of my job is helping the client retain their dignity...and that is an important part because often people with disabilities cannot do what they once could and this causes them embarrassment to have to depend upon someone else, a stranger really in intimate (bathroom) situations...

i seem to always leave his house in a good mood, a bit sweaty from the heavy lifting but happy, alive. and then tomorrow i will go over to diana's house for a bbq they are having for a few birthdays.

so..things seem to be getting better with her and i, one just never knows for sure it seems until shit happens...and i cannot wait my whole life just waiting for shit to happen..for a shoe to drop....that can be exhausting so i think i need to change the way i think of things....the other choice i have is to end it because i never know if it is going to work out..and that is a lonely choice..i could see that as a viable choice if she shit on me all the time.....it seems that when i am not happy with me i am also not happy with her....or the world in general...this is not to excuse anything careless or mean she has done to me...this is just to say that who you are emotionally at a particular time can color your whole world....if you shit on yourself then chances are everything around you will also be covered in shit...and oftentimes i feel as though my life is covered in shit. i just don't want to get any on her. she is one of the least shitty things about my life right now. a month ago and before that she was a big turd....but now things are different.....for now....

so how do we make decisions and why do we feel the need to write it down?..and why do we ask others advice?.....some of us keep it to ourself always and some of us get ulcers and kill ourselves..but that is not me..some of us babble nonstop incessantly airing our laundry always everywhere and that is also not me...i am somewhere in between..and i do not know if i need to fix it or not......can i or should i handle my problems by myself keeping it solely to the parties involved?..should i confide in a select few or one...? do i even heed advice?..should i?....should things be as black and white as "dump her or don't"?......

i know that i want good life and i know that i want good love and i know that i am there, my ears and head are there for my friends when they need to tell me about things on their mind......

so we confide in friends for many reasons..sometimes just to bitch, sometimes just to kill the boredom. i had been for a long time now telling the problems i have with my girlfriend to a friend, let's call him gus. and he gives me good advice and knows sometimes i am just talking to get it out of me...but the other day i went drinking with him and andy and candice and mg at hollingsheads.....and i think i brought her up, telling an anecdote..and gus was right up my ass about her, about me not getting laid etc....and this was in front of the whole group and of course i laughed it off....but it has bothered me since...and i am not sure to do with this lump of shit in my hand......when you tell a friend things about your personal life....you do not expect them to be thrown back at you in anger in front of a group of people....even if they are friends..it is as if you are being belittled by those you love surrounded by those you love and it kind of paralyzed me...

and yes i am sure it will pass, he will forget about it and i wont, i will just have to be smarter and confide less i suppose...if i do not want thing thrown back at me in that manner then the best thing to do rather than to trust someone not to is to never tell them in the first place...this of course compromises a friendship..one that you hope you could confide anything to..but there is the rub.....and so on ad nauseum...

on a better note, i am babysitting for my girlfriend, her and my mom are at the goddamned sugar fairy snow baby laura ashley plum festival.....chicken run is on, i have just finished my starbucks and the window is letting cold air into me....

life could be better, and then life could be worse...

sometimes we need to keep things to ourselves...but how do we do that when we are not that sort, when we need dialogue to survive?

i fucking got no dukes....

i feel like the wind has been out of me for about a week....could be leftover phlegmism from my cold..could be that i have been off my happy meds for a spell.....i do this foolishly from time to time....when i run out..i am poor and i just deal with it until i am no longer poor.....the downside of course is feeling ungrounded and sometimes treating people prickishly..but i do my best to not be around people when i am like this...

the gf and i are i guess a couple....we had that lame ass breakup thing  month ago...for i dunno...a week and a half and then she just insisted that she was going to keep us together....and i, for lack of nothing better to do, just went along with it....of course i do not want to be alone but i feel like nothing was accomplished or nothing was dealt with or settled during our breakup to cause us to be a couple again....so....i fell like i am just along for the ride....its not so bad really..she seems to be treating me better...i just have zero idea now what the future holds...it is not at all like before the breakup...i mean long before...before things started to get retarded....back then i had ideas of marriage and kids and beer cellars and bookcases and a huge space for her and i and her kids....."us"..and i believed in magic..believed in love songs...

and we had troubles, she told me hers and i made efforts but just then she stopped caring, told me a few unkind words...started taking things we had previously talked about and changing them by degrees....so.."we can try to have kids" changed to "i'm not sure i can handle having kids again" to "i do not want to have any more kids" and another one - from "you will have to put a ring on it before we move in together" and "we could live with your momma until we can afford our own place" to "i don't think i can handle living in that house" .....and then i was the one to make the break...i was done feeling insufficient...i felt like a bad ATM transaction "insufficient dukes"....and then she put it into her head that she was going to make sure that she got what she wanted and she wanted to stay together....and hell..is it my fault for feeling flabbergasted?...for not arguing and telling her "umm..we broke up for a reason and that reason really has not been addressed"?....in fact i think i did tell her that and i am pretty sure she just glossed right over it and continued on with what she wanted out of life....

should i feel flattered that i am what she wants?....life is very long when you're lonely (thank you morrissey) but i am guessing that life is also very long when you are not certain about the one you are with and are just biding your time..waiting to see just what the fuck she is going to do next...because it all seems to be up to her until i finally decide to dust my broom......

with a nose full of snot i am trying to write...

my head stuffed up and i am listening to eliane radigue to unplug it and it may be working...

the ululations of the endless small sonic thrums gradually breaking down all of the icky snot in my brain...

i am at work and zac, the guy i work with/for is learning how to use his assistive technology device...an ipod touch with proloquo2go software installed....this is a great device..the trick is to get it used...

zac is nonverbal and he does a great deal of mimicking (which is one of the side effects of applied behavioral analysis). and he also always hesitates before he does something he is not used to, most importantly here is pressing buttons on the device....if you hand him the itouch he will turn on the program and then look at you...as if asking what you want him to say....then he may hold his finger just above the screen and look at you waiting for your approval...this is something we will work on...



my head is still full...it is 9pm...and i want it to be colder here, i think my cold is making me warm...

days of maybe

it is almost midnight.....

i had ten teeth removed last week...i take horrible care of them so this is my own fault....i need to grow the fuck up and take more care of me.....

thinking of another job...doing what i dunno...

started reading a damned good and hilarious book "how i became a famous novelist" by steve hely...it really makes me want to try more...



i want to buy a pen that writes, one that sits down and without pause writes stories.....and a pad of paper too...i want quiet days...in clichy or elsewhere....i want a refrigerator filled with good cold beer..i want pastrami.....

does one need desperation in order to create something nice?

this gal is hecka cute........don't know who she is though...

a sanfran cis co miscellany

on the road to san francisco i saw the lord bright and folkish on the back of a semi truck. this was where my faith was at its strongest point. he brought rain. i was going 80...

and through my windshield i knew thisplace as displaced but home-like...i wanted to put the rainwater in my hair and osomotically be happy with the juice from another place.

in fields between kerman and fort tejon i lost my breath. the thrum of the road made promises in my face that will grow, poppylike from this day forward. hay, corn, almonds, alfalfa. fruit in me oh please, i need you more than ever.








four hundred miles or so.....my whole trip round way when i got home read 999 miles....symbolic of something tremendous i must spend the close days of now deconstructing.

save me oh save me open roads and closed city of stamen and hops and wax and cacao and coffee and things canine, feline sometimes wander me across the street against the light as undangerous as ever...i am tremendous...

a morning and a goodbye to fritsanbrisco

the morning view from my hotel in crackhead ass stank central 

woke up near 9:30 and since the ferry building market was not open until 112 i decided to just go to sloat boulevard nursery.......

and from there i made my way home, past wild p
oppies that i just cannot get to grow at home...

and i was eventually home

sand frersctisto continued....

the next day i woked up umm..noonish i think...went to lunch with the most wonderful kole, my old college roommate for a few semesters..

we talked and talked, he, about a year ago, got out of an 11 year relationship and i, a week ago got out of an almost 2 yr one......we ate at boogaloos in the mission...then to some bar, i forget the name....near the mission ....we walked 6 blocks but the monk's kettle was tooooo full...so we went to a dive bar next door....

kole is the type of fellow i would just love to hang out with all of the time......he has smarts, handsome as fuck...and never gets boring.....so we drank many bears and a shot of green chartreuse then went to our cars....i went back to the hotel then met my old coworker dave chin at green apple where he hopped in my car...we walked forever to several resto's that were full and ended up, regretfully, ended up at a burmese place called pagan......david, most graciously, bought me a birthday dinner..

then after i went back to green apple for an hour...then back to the hotel...a bit of a sad panda because i was to leave the next day...